Review of The Xposé :- Violation of your Intellectual Property

P.S. Himesh gave the music, story, money and the sex appeal to this movie. Which means he was pregnant with this movie and when the movie came out, so did the extra flab.

Irrfan Khan enters on a melancholic note in a deserted theater. Breaking away from all stereotypes his name is Alec and he wears a fedora. He looks stoned and broke. That’s all you need to you know about him. In a Mumbai autowaala se bhi worst accent, he goes back in 1968 where a heroine in a red dress is pushed off a building. Cut to her funeral scene where the characters are introduced one by one. The good cop bad cop/ aadhi nangi and puri nangi heroines, Sonali Raut and Zara Afroz respectively. They are roomies and they both hate each other. This is news that 2 girls don’t get along. Some generic aunty is the landlord/manager/caretaker to the good girl once she moves to the bungalow. Next in line is the director himself Anant Mahadevan who plays, guess? A director! Collectively shaming all the directors both dead and alive, Anant Mahadevan is a South import who makes it big (no pun intended) in Bollywood. Then enters our very own Blues/Jazz/Dandiya crooner...Himess Bhai!!  He plays an anorexic cop (lolmax). Like every Bollywood cop he wears a fake black Ray Ban aviator. But hey, he wears it at night, during rains, inside the police station and maybe even when he poops. He has serious temper issues and is known as the “paagal of the police peepals”. We all agree to half of that sentence. He holds a cigarette but doesn't smoke it. Bola na, paagal hai!  He gets suspended from shooting an MLA (kejru alert) coz Gussa aa gaya tha. So after only one and half years in jail he is set free. And for some reason Anant signs him up for a movie. So the mad cop, who refers to raja ka nanga beta to declare his grandeur, is transformed into Blue blazer-Yellow Pants-Rainbow Aviators-Tamil puking actor. Cut to a couple of insignificant people who I don’t feel like writing about. Then enters, the man himself, torch bearer for Delhi NCR, mascot of all the Gurgaon boys you ever wanted to slap the shit out of, Mr One-Yo-is-not-cool-enough-so-I-have-two-Yos-in-my-name Honey Singaaaaa. Unlike his songs, here in the movie, there is no statuary warning issued that he is present so you can run away. He is a lecherous looking music composer notorious for selling same tunes to different directors or as we popularly know, Anu Malik.  Jesse Randhawa plays his girlfriend who makes parallel cinema. She is dusky, tall and her hair is cropped so you believe this parallel cinema has to be an intellectual thing she does.  Then, enters a baniya looking cop in the next scene who says heroine ko dhakka maara hai, it’s a murder. Thank you for telling us, we were assuming she was measuring the height of the building by jumping down with a tape. The story begins by a collage of all these annoying turd faces into a single frame, which secretly means one of them is the killer.

Himesh Bhai has a sautela bhai who did him wrong. Please don’t ask me how. My attention span is worse than a hummingbird. He looks constipated and bleached throughout the movie for some reason. The story moves on to the shooting of a Hindi film where Himess reaches late coz he is not a hero but a superhero (somewhere Ironman, Superman, Batman and Captain America died a little inside). He doesn't rehearse, never puts on makeup,q never follows the script, doesn't shake hands and generally is not civil. In short, he plays a cocky son of a bitch who mouths corny dialogues instead of normal conversation. This will remind you of Akshay Kumar from Once upon a time in Mumbai Dobara. Cut to the slutty heroine accusing Mr Yo Yo ji of using her so he makes an I-AM-A-PIMP face and asks her to go to hell. Mr Yo Yo ji says sorry with a Dairy Milk and proposes to Jesse ji in a way that every girl will remove that part of a love story from her wish list forever. So next, on one side of the set, Himes, another shah bhai and slutty heroine are shooting for Ujwal Nirmal Sheetal (I know you all are thinking about that white saree scene now) and on the other side; good heroine is shooting for another film Reena Mera Naam. There is a fire on that set and Himes bhai rushes there to save the good heroine. Now the good heroine is so mad in love that she quits smoking for him. But Himes who is also in love continues to hold an unlit cigarette throughout coz he is simply mad.

Yo Yo is now caught because he gave the same music for two films and he laughs like a lunatic. I don’t know why. You also please don’t try and figure out why. Now both the shitty films release on the same day. In spite of the transparent wet white saree playing the lead in the movie, Ujwal Nirmal Sheetal flops because the director of the other movie plays dirty tactics with the help of Irrfan Khan. Now, a very angry Himes bhai calls up that director and threatens him by telling him a medical condition he has, he pees more blood than the director has in his body. (UTI, bro). Now there is a post award The Great Gatsbhai themed party where the slutty heroine seduces Himes. He tells her he is a 40 year old virgin like Salman and refuses to even friend zone her. Then begins a song where everyone looks high as shit and dancing to ice cream khaungi. (I am trying hard to not crack jokes on that). Courtesy puraani dushmani, the actresses trash talk and start a catfight (yay!) and the good girl’s ex breaks it up (nay). Cut to the scene where the slutty heroine falls off the roof. We have come to the beginning now. Now this scene has been played over 300 times in the move for no reason. Next we see the funeral scene again where her coffin is buried in the graveyard. The coffin looks like it has been designed by Maganlal Dresswala. The question arises, who did it? Who? Do I give a shit? Obviously No!

Now I dare you to watch this movie. I double dare you to watch it till the end because I didn't. If you manage to sit till the end and tell me who did it, I promise I will take you out for dinner. If you are a fan of Himesh or Yo Yo for any reason, I will take you to a shrink

P.S. My guess is, that the killer is the person who doesn't wear a Fedora. Now go figure. 

Why I would rather die than live in this country as a woman....

I am appalled. I am pissed off. I am in tears. The recent Guwahati incident has exacerbated my dormant rage against chauvinistic and sick men in our country. Not that feminism is a new thing for me, those who know me personally are aware of how strong minded and independent I am.  Time and again I have stood up for myself, friends, family and acquaintances sadly attracting the hate from men. Not that I have ever said women are superior to men, all I am saying treat us equally and humanly.

Rape and molestation has become an everyday thing for us. We read it in the headlines, on almost every third page of the newspaper depending on the proximity of the incident. We are helplessly seeing husbands raping their wives, father raping their daughters, infants as old as couple of days old being raped by sick men, women as old as 80 year old being raped by sick bastards, friends gang raping girl who agreed to have an evening out with them, teachers molesting students who are expected to bestow the wealth of education, doctors raping patients, women in labour i.e. in the most painful and vulnerable moment of her life being molested by doctors, women molested in their work place by superiors taking away the right to be independent and infinite number of shocking incidents. Women are asked not to step out of the house after 7, so what about the rape incidents occurring in broad daylight? What if the protectors turn attackers? What can a woman do in this case? The recent Khap Panchayat decision on banning cell phones and love marriages for women has enraged me to no end. Why can’t she have a cell phone? So that she can’t call for help when 10 men are molesting her? Why can’t she have a love marriage? So that she can be raped by her father in law and 10 other men when she marries a man she hardly knows? The woman will wear whatever she wants. If a women dressing provocatively is an invitation to rape so why aren’t men who are scantily dressed also raped?  And are you saying an infant raped and killed was wearing a cocktail dress or the dalit woman raped and set ablaze was in a 2-piece bikini??? Blaming a woman’s decency for rape is just like blaming the dead man’s provocation for murder. If the rapists were provoked, so were the murderers right? IT IS THE SAME THING. One kills the body and other kills the soul. That is the only difference.

Right from the time a girl is born in our country, she is considered as a liability. Her dowry and marriage expensed drive people in our country to kill them even before she is born or in most of the cases after she is born. Babies as old as a couple of hours are left to die in garbage cans. They are thrown away from hospital windows. The dowry deaths are still prevalent in our country. After marriage, a girl changes her name, leaves her family, goes to a new place, takes up the responsibility of the in laws and still they want money from her??? Why the hell does the girl’s family need to give money? Ladki bhi do aur paisa bhi?  Brides abandoned on the wedding day for dowry is a common thing in our country. Stop giving and taking dowry. The worse could happen is that the girl will happily stay in her parent’s house for a longer time but she will eventually find a groom and not a money hungry trader. Why? Why can’t people join hands and make weddings as a joyous occasion depicting union of two people than a filthy display of wealth for insignificant ill-wishers which makes the family of the girls a scapegoat? Why? According to the NCRB, approximately 6,000 women are killed in India every year because of dowry. Unofficial estimates are as high as 15,000 deaths a year. In other words, between 16 and 40 women die every day because of dowry.

The girls are not fed properly in certain parts of our country. Can you believe that? This is the sad truth of families that make young girls work like maids so that they don’t put on weight and stunt their growth. The fact that women are objectified on the basis of their looks is bringing down super confident and talented women. The obsession with fair skin in our country is putting millions of dusky women into depression.  Why? Aren’t dusky women beautiful? Is a woman only beautiful if she is reed thin and fair? Then why don’t you go buy a mute mannequin from a store and marry her. That’s what the chauvinistic men want, right? Fairness cream ads, anorexic models, weight loss stories, correcting imperfections of your body and face, anti aging products, endowment and reduction packages, and what not. Why? Never seen men being objectified like this? Age makes women old and men mature? Why? Women must themselves have the confidence to chuck off people from their lives who objectify them and be happy with the grace and womanhood she is blessed with.

A strong confident girl is brought down time and again by her brothers, uncles, friend and even her own father. Why? Why can’t men accept the fact that a girl can be intellectually gifted, she can also have business acumen, she can also be a gadget freak, she can also be creative, she can be funny and hell yeah, she IS smart. I have personally been offended time and again by men for being blunt and honest. If men make objectionable jokes they are funny, but if women make such jokes they are supposed to be teased and hit on.  Ambitious and confident women have been bombarded with statements like dekho yaar job hi karlo agle kuch saal mein toh shaadi karni hogi na, ghar ke kaam seekh lo pehle warna sasural mein kaise rahogi, tumhaara toh pati hi tumhe theek karega, tum ghar par rehke bachhe sambhaalo paise main kamaaunga, tumhe naukri/padhaai ki kya zarurat hai pati/pita kama toh rahe hai, and loads of other sentences. I will not buy the fact that these thoughts belong to the rural population of India since every woman I know has faced chauvinism at some point of time in her life.  Stand up for yourself girls. Don’t get bogged down by these chauvinistic remarks. 

Official statistics collaborated Pan India in 2010

Rape Victims

There were 22,193 victims of Rape out of 22,172 reported rape cases in the country. 8.9% (1,975) of the total victims of rape were girls under 14 years of age, while 16.1% (3,570) were teen aged girls (14-18 years). 57.4% (12,749) were women in the age-group 18-30 years. 3,763 victims (17.0%) were in the age-group of 30-50 years while 0.6% (136) over 50 years of age.

Offenders were known to the victims in as many as 21,566 (97.3%) cases. Parents / close family members were involved in 1.3% (288 out of 21,566) of these cases, neighbours were involved in 36.2% cases (7,816 out of 21,566) and relatives were involved in 6.2% (1,344 out of 21,566) cases.

Kidnapping & Abduction

These cases have reported an increase of 15.7% as compared to previous year (25,741).

Dowry Deaths

These cases have increased by 0.1%over the previous year (8,383).

Torture (Cruelty by Husband & Relatives)

Torture cases in the country have increased by 5.0% over the previous year (89,546).

Molestation

Incidents of molestation in the country have increased by 4.9% over the previous year (38,711).

Sexual Harassment

The number of such cases has decreased by 9.5% over the previous year (11,009).

Immoral Traffic

Cases under this Act have registered an increase of 1.0% during the year as compared to the previous year (2,474).

Dowry Prohibition Act

The cases under this Act have decreased by 8.3% as compared to the previous year (5,650).

In India, according to National Crime Records Bureau's i.e. NCRB in 2005 Crime Clock, there is,

§  1 crime committed against women every three minutes

§  1 molestation case every 15 minutes

§  1 sexual harassment case every 53 minutes

§  1 kidnapping and abduction case every 23 minutes

§  1 rape case every 29 minutes

While you are reading this article, crimes are committed on at least 3 women, one woman has been molested, one woman has been abducted and one woman has been raped in India.

And those are only the reported and recorded statistics. What’s more,

§  Four out of 10 women in India have experienced violence in the home.

 §  45% of women have suffered at least one incident of physical or psychological violence.

§  26% have experienced   at least one moderate form of physical violence.

 §  More than 50% of pregnant women have experienced severe violent physical injuries.

These are the official statistics and the crimes against women are highly unreported in our country.

The state wise accountability for crime against women is shocking.  The websites below have a detailed account of state wise crime frequency occurring in a country that is lovingly referred as Bharat Mata. 

Statistics courtesy: http://www.wikigender.org/index.php/Crime_against_Women_in_India,_2010

http://infochangeindia.org/women/backgrounder/violence-against-women.html

I hope this is passed on to every individual out there who is unaware of the atrocities over women in this country and still believes women are worshipped in India.

Why I can't face Facebook anymore.....

Welcome aboard to my futile, never-ending ranting about cool things. Yes, you heard it right. I hate FACEBOOK. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. The social networking frenzy which was an addiction before has now simply turned to one of the modern day monsters, ripping people off their ethics and common sense. Why so bitter Priyanka??? That's because I log in to my Facebook account to catch up with friends, share some pictures or videos but I am made to go through experiences that one has in a past life analysis. Read on, you'll know.  

      1.   It effing changes......every minute!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why the hell does this frigging thing change by the minute will always stay a mystery to me. An unresolved bloody mystery that even Lord Voldemort couldn't think of. The minute you get comfortable with the interface, they introduce hidden buttons, hidden tabs, hidden monsters etc. And you spend 1/3^rd of your day, trying to figure how to use the new features and voila, it changes again. They now have video chat which will pop up and catch u in the worst of your face when you are hogging on Oreos (which is what I am doing right now) and ensure you never get a video call from the same person. New features added to chat, messages, and tiny popup messages which according to me say “Did you know ?? Now Facebook has this brand new shit which I can bet my ass on that you will never figure out, boo hoo to you, little retarded noob “.

      2.   The apps requests I get...nuff said.

Oh, I bet most of you out there are sick of the shit load of game requests people send. I know, I know most of them don’t even know how it just gets posted on to people’s walls. But seriously, how do people even land up on such pages and apps???? STILL???? Love percentage, marriage date; next kiss date, next pee schedule, etc. Are you consulting Facebook for life's milestones?  Photo of the day, friend of the day, stalker of the day, burglar of the day.... F*ck enough man!!!!! I know Farmville was at a time the best remedy for dealing with emotional crises but still??? I am sure most of my crops have snakes slithering on them and my farm animals must have turned into vampires since I realized I am an adult. And btw, who is such the dumbass that came up with Glassdoor???  WHO THE HELL CONNECTS PROFESSIONALLY ON FACEBOOK???? One more Glassdoor request and I am going to smash it on the sender’s face.

      3.   Status-Having fun at xyz’s house, not enough fun to get log the f**k off Facebook though.

      Photos-Only 2377 pictures of you gulping pint after pint at a friend’s house.

Why people why???? Can’t you just go to a place to relax and hang out??? Is it really the need of the hour to click pictures from every angle possible?? You want to click for memories??? Do that. But why are you spamming people with them??? Putting out statuses about hanging out at a club, local grocery store, at the kennel of your neighbour’s dog is not cool. It is clearly obvious nobody is talking to you and you’re a loner out there.

The duck face shit strewn all over Facebook. Semi naked chicks posting pictures taken in their bedrooms and bathrooms are a rage. There will be about 300 likes and 200 comments with lots of muaaahhhh, awwwws, bhowwwws, never mind.  The heart and kiss symbol thrown in by every girl with the kewl lingo makes me shut my lappy like Ranbir Kapoor in the Ultrabook ad. That is the only way they can look cool it seems. Please get a life.

      4.   Groups, lists, battalions, army....F**K!!!!  Give me a break!!!

I am sick of the friend "sorting" Facebook does. I don’t want to create 100 lists and categorize my friends. I am not Monica from FRIENDS. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT!!! I am happy with knowing I have only friends and acquaintances in my list, why the hell should I sort them into close friends, good friends, school friends, college psychos and potential killers???  I will not, so get lost!!!

Groups are the things that drive me to the wall. Firstly, did u ask me before adding me there??? What if I am not into neighbourhood soccer suckers?  I am not into that shit, don’t you get it? Its okay if you add me, I mean it has a rude option to “Leave the group” with a door thingy. I find it rude okay?? You force me to storm out of the group by posting incessantly every hour. I get a notification about it every minute!!!!  Else, the annoying group chat pops up and I sit there witnessing people I don’t know or care about flirting, fighting and trolling.

      5.   The like if you get, share if you care, post if you dare, 1 $ for every share....What is the option of not giving a tiny rat’s ass???

I am sick of pictures shared by emo pages like I will love you till the end, You are only mine, I am a retard, etc .They say, like if you agree, share if you agree and the worst part is, like if you GET it. Why wouldn’t I GET IT you freaking idiot??? You think I am caveman with a club in his hand and a beehive for hair sitting with a laptop I stole from the city??? I do get the sad or “funny” thing you just posted but I have better things to do than liking and sharing it.

Also, the gory, mutilated, bloated, tampered pictures of sick people and babies all around the world makes me want to poke my eyes till I go blind. Seriously, I very well know half of them are doctored to increase web trafficking, yet they are depressing. I would rather watch India TV news channel since they are masters of exaggeration. 1 $ for every share is the shittiest thing I’ve ever heard. Please stop playing around with people’s emotions.  Also what is with the LONG, REALLY LONG stories about two lovers either dying and the soul searching??? 

6.   It's breaking relationships. Really :(

Today, if you are really serious about your guy/girl, the ultimate plunge is updating your Facebook relationship status. Yes, you heard it right. Couples fight, cry, argue and even break up over this silly thing. I have never understood why it is so important, especially for girls. And guys keep looking out for better options on Facebook and cheat on their girlfriends "technologically". The hottie from Chandigarh wearing revealing is-it-there-or-is-it-not-there skirt is the sensation among  all her friends. you talk to her and you end up alone. Finished. Sad. Just SAD.

7.   The "SECURITY"......

Facebook security and sharing filters is nothing short of a heritage Fort. You can hide it from a, show it to b, show it later to c...what not!!!! This feature is known to about 20% of the people which is saddest part. Also, if you're account is so secure, why do I still keep getting friends requests from distant countries with messages like "I may or may not be a man of your taste but your beauty is such that will enchant any man" from a 60 year old man????? Point to ponder upon........

Tips for young people to become normal

You are the future of the nation. You are the most powerful resource of the country unless you are an engineering student. Then you are just a goon in making. I am talking about YOUTH. Some tips listed for you people to realise what ”YOUTH”  is not about and help you not behave like something that rhymes with it ;)

      1.       It’s my...repeat after me you little retarded monkeys....it’s not mah...it’s my...

Saying ma for my, just looks like a faux attempt at proving how much you love your mother. Seriously guys and gals, have you never been to a proper school??? Are you so oblivious to the concept of grammar and pronunciation??? (Once again someone says “pronOUnciation” I will slap the shit out of them) Why do you tawk lyk dis? Are dyslexic? Are you blind? Do you just smash your forehead on the keyboard instead of typing? I swear I feel like throwing a copy of The Wren and Martin on your face when I see the mass murder of English language like this.

      2.       You are LOLing...OMGing....BRBing...WTFing...I am boiling....

You have serious issues here okay? What the heck is saying LOL when someone says something funny? Are you a seal? No maybe you are a pig? Laugh no, you numb heads. Why do you have to say LOL?????? OMG ??? WTF????  Please talk to me just once, I will tell u how to say the complete sentence with utmost aghast. It is more liberating you see.

      3.       Pull up your pants....Pull down the top....please!!!!!

Yes please. Wear your clothes the way they are meant to be worn. I don’t care if you’re a Calvin Klein fan or a Rupa chaddi fan. I frigging don’t want to see your Grand Canyon. And girls, I don’t want to either of your Grand Canyons.  I don’t want to see cellulite oozing thighs. I don’t want to see huge bellies and asses bulging out of poor little denim cages who can’t contain them. Even if you have a great body, why on earth are you flaunting it for no apparent reason? There is a time and place for it. Don’t expose inappropriately. Why can’t you dress up like a sane person? Just go full Monty if the clothes bother u so much. Much easier to achieve what you want.

      4.       You look like a crossbreed of peacock and a diseased rooster.

The macaw hairstyles, neon coloured extensions and highlights, the weird facial hairstyles, etc. All this reminds me of roosters who mated with peacocks and produced off springs like you. You look UGLY, HORRIBLE, And STUPID. There it is. I have burst the bubble??? Go frigging get a normal person haircut. Girls, what is with the weird rainbow makeup???? You know if someone hurls a bucket of water on your face you will look like a colour palette that was washed ashore by Tsunami. Get your frigging brains repaired. YOU LOOK UGLY. SIMPLY UGLY.

      5.       What is life without Gizmos??? Facebook and Twitter??? Worth living.....

Bunch of kids with Playstations and Ipads make me cringe to no end.  What the hell is wrong with you people? Haven’t you heard of outdoor games? Do you even know what sky looks like? Do you know how to run or play? Off course you don’t because you are busy moon walking to faux coolness. Yes, there is a life beyond social networking sites. I have seen people going to gatherings just to click pictures and upload them on Facebook or update a status like having so much fun at the party. If you’re frigging enjoying so much, why the hell are you on your smart phone? And for your information, nobody wants to see 347 pictures of the last night barbeque with friends. People prove their love by over mushy picture indulging in PDA and by CHANGING their relationship status. Such a wannabe thing to do I swear!!!!

      6.       Get your act together. Don’t go with the herd unless you are a cow....

Seriously, bitches that pretend to be a storehouse of wisdom will get you shot. If following socialist hotties is your thing, go with Brinda Karat. The worst that might happen then is you will have no friends left. When the hell did Paulo Coelho become the must read author to prove your intellectual chops?  Don’t stick your stupid Facebook and twitter profiles with Paulo Coelho as your favourite author. It just tells me you don’t really read and just bought one at a train station because everyone seemed to have one. Personally, I swear I don’t read books and I have said that honestly on my Facebook profile. And I am not considered a retard because I don’t read.

      7.       Stop giving a damn about the EPL , IPL and also CPL, u might get a GP....never mind....

Nobody, I repeat, NOBODY cares if you’re supporting Man U or Barca. KKR or MI. They’re not YOUR team and their success doesn’t mean that YOU won. No matter how many jerseys you buy from a trip to Thailand or Bandra, no matter how many soccer shoes you buy and wear at inappropriate places.  They won’t pick u in the team.  Enjoy watching the game, get competitive, play football like hell in your REAL life, its cooler. Find some other goddamn purpose in life than tweet about players whose names you can’t pronounce and who you’ve only been exposed to in FIFA 2007.

      8.       Commitment phobic??? So is everyone right?

Yup it’s true. Not believing in love is the latest thing to do. Friends with all kinds of benefits are around so who needs a companion??? Who needs commitment???  Who can actually LOVE someone??? Seriously you idiotic kids who don’t believe in the institution of marriage, you will die alone on a rocking chair with your macaw gelled grey hair and a Blackberry in the hand.

      9.       You booze, you fag and you get stoned every Saturday night? Wow your parents are really lucky!!!!!

True isn’t it?? You can’t be cool if you are teetotaller??? You can’t be cool if you don’t do drugs??? Fagging helps relieve stress??? Hookah parlours need regular attendance from you??? Say no friends. Don’t give in to pressure. Understand what this abuse will do to your body in the long run.

     10.   You are here only because your parents wanted to.

Don’t insult your parents. They may not be a gizmo freak retard like you but they are still parents. They endure your bull shit only because they love you to the core. You will land nowhere if u disrespect them.

Relationship-A ship that you voluntarily get on even though you know it drowns you

“Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage”-Ambrose Bierce

Being in a relationship is so clichéd that it takes away every ounce of sense you have. It makes you impractical, insecure and negative. Initially everything seems like the Mills and Boons sagas, later comes the real Pyaar ka Panchnama. Stuff I have written in this post is something that I have observed over my few years of existence and being an agony aunt for my friends. Consider this as my long due ranting about gals and guys who mess up their relationships. THEY PISS ME OFF!!!!!

Disclaimer -The following points contain some harsh hitting truths. Readers addicted to movies like The notebook are advised not to read any further. Also, anybody differing from the stuff written here can go fly a kite :D

Mantal Bwoyz

“The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for women and around thirty-seven for men”-Aristotle

Okay I am being a feminist here but I’ll start with the boys first. Sorry to all my friends out there but no matter how much you guys bully me that girls are the combatants in a relationship, I do beg to differ that we are not the only ones.

           You love challenges....only!!!

Yup boys, it’s true. You guys need to chase the girl. You guys are accustomed to rejection so much that anything that comes easy to you is worthless. Until and unless a girl throws tantrums, she is not desirable to you. Classic case is our Archie, Betty and Veronica. In the end the rich snobbish bitch gets the guy. The girl next door stays indoors and just cries!!!
P.S Any resemblance of the above content to the blogger will be entertained with exotic cuss words. Thank You.

         You guys pretend to be insensitive!!!!

What is wrong in crying? What is wrong in expressing? What is wrong in being sensitive to things? What is wrong in being hurt and admitting to it?  It questions your masculinity??? Your testosterones have to be at the surface level to prove that you are the “MAN”. And you hate it whe we cry at the movies. That is not going to change, so go take a hike.

         You have never understood women....you never will...

We have annoying little habits. Yes we talk a lot. Yes we tend to get neurotic at times. Yes we get jealous like hell when you even talk to some girl. Yes we do keep making plans about “us”. Yes we do that because we love you. You guys just call women obsessive if they care and a stone if they don’t. So what the hell are we supposed to do???

         Commitment phobic?

Why do you guys feel we have a gun and a wedding ring in our pockets??? Why do you guys feel we are going to gag you up and force you down the aisle??? No, we are really not always putting ourselves out there and making marriage plans with you guys. We also prefer living in the moment and see how things go. And I am talking about sensible women out here ok? Not the ones straight out of a Karan Johar or Yash Chopra movie.

         Insecurity and chauvinism?

This is the one trait in men that drives me up the wall.  Women are pretty objects and they supposed to be the same all their lives. They can’t have brains. They can’t have a sense of humour. They can’t have career goals. They can’t be a techie or a geek. A woman is desirable if she is smart, but not if she is smart”er” than a man. Then you bring her down by reaffirming the fact that the place of a woman is in the kitchen. But guys please remember there are knives, rolling pin, pans and BUTCHER'S KNIFE in the kitchen so beware when the woman is pissed off and comes out of the kitchen :D
P.S Any guy out there saying that he prefers equality in gender is most welcome to talk to me for half an hour and I will bring out the hidden chauvinist in him :D

         Little things we love J(Sentiness expressed here)

All women aren’t gold or platinum wedding band diggers, my bros. Even a small candy bar makes us happy just because you get it for us. We don’t want you to remember every little detail but we want you guys to remember how much you love us. We don’t want a routine attendance phone call every day. The occasional cute texts and calls when you really want to talk to us make us happy. And no unlike what most of my friends think, women are not going to exchange every gift you give her and get a better one :D Dedicate songs, care about her feelings, and just listen to her when she is mad. Women just need to feel special. That’s all J 

Bawli Chhoriyan

“Women-can’t live with them or bury them in the backyard without the neighbours seeing”-Sean Williamson

Ahhh now the boys are going to love this part. I am so sorry my gal pals, but this is the truth whether you lasses agree with me or not. Hope this brings in some enlightenment for you.

         You want to be a mom or a girlfriend???!!!!!

Yes we all do that. Where are you? Why aren’t you home yet? Why are you smoking/drinking? Why are you with that trouble maker friend? Why aren’t you focussing on your career/studies? Why don’t you get serious in life? Why do you wear that shirt? Why don’t you change your hairstyle? Why do you breathe every 0.2245 nanoseconds? SHIT give them a break!!!!! They get enough of this at home, they need a companion, not a caretaker.

         Marriage is a part of life and NOT the reason for existence!!!!!

Yes girls it’s truly not. Live in the moment no? Why do you start planning the future the minute you start dating someone. It is not acceptable if you keep dropping hints to your boyfriend, show him ring brochures for fun, telling him my 1874 friends got married this year, etc. He is not going to propose till he really wants to marry you so spare yourself the trouble. It’s acceptable when the biological clock is ticking, but not when you’re really young na? Just cut men some slack???  If it’s meant to be, it will happen, so just relax.

     

         The trump card!!!!

Okay I accept it, I have done this cardinal sin too. Women are sensitive, really sensitive. Men gotta accept this truth first. But crying for everything under the sun is not a pretty thing. It’s irritating. It’s ok if he said something mean, men really don’t mean to be mean. So many ‘Ms’. Moving on. Being mean is our forte no? Don’t rant about things he said a fortnight ago. It’s ok. Anything men say is null and void within 24 hours. They have a memory span of a little hamster (not goldfish because it's a myth that it has a memory span of 3 seconds, it's 3 months actually). Use it to your advantage. They pull your leg coz they like you, don’t take out the sword for that. Take his jokes with a pinch of salt and tequila. Pull his leg instead. It will be fun. And please ladies, spare him the horror of gossip. You have gal pals for that no? He really doesn't care which friend of yours got fat, who is spending how much on her wedding trousseau, who is the bitch and who is the bechari. HE REALLY DOESN'T CARE!!!!! 

         Jerk is the love of your life?? Friend zoned the nice guy???

You want true love? You want a nice guy. He is right out there. You friend zoned him because he is nice to you, because he cares for you, he probably even loves you. He just wants to see you happy so he entertains your ranting when you fight with the jerk you are in a relationship with. Grow up girls. Don’t go after jerks. They are simply not worth it!!!! And just don’t fear to walk out of a relationship if it hurts you; trust me there is nothing wrong in being single. You will not be arrested. Be with someone you can feel secure and comfortable with. Be with someone who you don't need to put up a facade with.

         Get a life ladies!!!!

Taking relationships and men as the whole life and not just a part of it is the worst sin women commit. Don't be around him all the time through physical presence or the electronic means of communication. Too technical man. Moving on. It's not necessary to ping him every time you see him online just because you are dating him. And please Facbook has no vital role in the relationship. It's not acceptable to fight over comments, likes and friend requests unless you are 13.  Even men lose respect for you if they are the only agenda in your life, trust me!!! I am not saying act pricey but come on, how difficult is it to get a life and space of your own? A space where your guy is not there? You don’t have to ask him to accompany you everywhere you go na? And if a guy does accompany you everywhere he is a pakka vehla. Dump him now!!!

         Little things matter the most J

Okay so he is not Mr Gerry from P.S I love you or Mr Noah from The Notebook. He is not Jordan from Rockstar (I love him ok?). But he still loves you right???  Just appreciate the little things he does for you. Don’t get judgemental on everything he does for you. Don’t compare. Don’t expect too much. And you will be pleasantly surprised. They may not be the smooth talking heroes straight out of Rom Coms and chick flicks. They are real men. Just appreciate them for their honesty J.

P.S Any questions or jokes about my relationship status will not be entertained :D

Daily soaps bring tears to my eyes :’-(

Yes I know I am not the only one. Most of you out there hate daily soaps from the core of your heart.

They are stupid. They are annoying. They are a complete waste of time. I can keep going on like this. But I won’t, for the only reason that I have sworn not to use cuss words on my blog. Though cussing is thoroughly entertaining (:D), it’s definitely inappropriate. So I will express my innermost abhorrence in the most virtuous way I can.

The era of this shit saga started with Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi, followed by 9000 serials starting with ‘K’. The casting stayed put, one righteous bahu, one good family and one bad family, one vamp who wore noodle strap blouses and 3 feet long bindis with purple/blackish red lipstick, one handsome lead actor who had no idea what he was doing in the show and millions of other irrelevant people. background scores with hissing and weird jungle noises. they've ruined lot of bollywood tracks for me btw. The show starts off well and then the plot just drags. The good family lost all the "property" because of the vamp. The only way of revenge was to marry the baddie. One character dies and comes back in the most bizarre ways, questioning your intelligence (the shittiest thing ever in the history of Indian television). The housewives were so addicted that they had no idea if the hubby and kids are home, because Tulsi was gracing and occupying 80% of the screen. By Lord’s grace this era came to end couple of years ago and the families were happily back together.

Then came this era of social causes, it is still going on. Out came the “attyachar” on women. And finally people came to know what happens to women in Haryana and Rajasthan. Yes the “attyachar” includes rainbow coloured ghagras and mammoth sized jewellery usually adorned on elephants in Kerala. They sobbed and sobbed. And they sobbed. And they frigging just sobbed. And we had no life of our own.

This era also included the era of talent hunt shows. 70% of the population in India were wailing on national television, on some or the other channel. 25% percent of the population were cracking sick jokes, dancing and doing other “talented” acts. The other 5 % was bearing the brunt. So this 95% of the population demanded celebrities to come up to the stage and dance/sing/make faces with them. They were also fainting, crying and getting hugged by the judges. The judges also occasionally got up from their seats and went out for a smoke, the audience assumed it to be anger.(I am going to write a post dedicated to this shit very soon)

Then there were young rebelling boys and girls, wanting-to-get-stardom era of shows. Couples involved in infidelity, people wanting to date, exchanging parents, couples locked up in a house, Chandigarh Dilli ke road waale and people living in some shit villas. Includes all the badass channels here. All they did was abuse and yell; we couldn’t hear any (sadly). Then they yelled tune haath kasie lagaaya saale kutte / kutti. Then there were emotional breakdowns, where they ensured the tears came out anyhow. They might have poked their eyes themselves, but they managed to weep. And we managed to believe all the crap we were seeing.

And now, we have the simple-living-high-thinking era of shows. Same garish shit but wrapped with a garb of simplicity. Somehow these shows manage to catch some eyeballs and few dumb brains, it leads to the same iss baat pe party ho jaaye, tumhaari himmat kasie hui is tarah baat karne ki bullshit. The shows have stories involving cougar relationships, elderly couple’s “majburi” marriages, the other woman breaking house, young girl falling for an older man and other shitload of things. A lead couple made out on national television and made everybody uncomfortable, questioned our morals. And btw everybody is still watching the show simply because people are addicted to it.

I just miss my old meaningful entertainment like Hasratein, Just mohabbat, Tom and Jerry, Aahat, Hum Panch, Zee Horror show, Sarabhai vs. Sarabhai, Khichdi and the list can go and on. Back then television used to be a source of entertainment. Now it’s another trigger to my migraine condition :’(