25 things you should absolutely do before you turn 25 :)

I am back!!!!! After two long years of a writer's block. The last couple of years have been so eventful, stressful, but certainly beautiful!!!! I turned 25 this month (woohoo) and I counted the number of things I would like to write in my 'Awesome things I did before turning 30' diary. Yes, I actually have a diary! I have penned down few things I am particularly proud of (mostly eating) doing before I turned 25. So here's my bucket list of things to do before you turn 25. Even if you are over 25, there are some things on the bucket list that you should do if you haven't done yet :) Read on :)

My journal of 'Awesome things I did before I turned 30'

1. Watch a live Sport...Could be any sport...Sitting in a large packed stadium is truly a thrill!

2. Bake a cake and eat it.

3. Read a good book. 

4. Take a solo trip. Could be anywhere. Travelling solo teaches you a lot of things about yourself.

5. Fall in love.

6. Fail..and then learn from it :)

7. Challenge yourself to achieve something that was not expected of you. Could be anything. 

8. Learn from a heartbreak.

9. Write a note to your 30-year-old self.

10. Step out of your comfort zone and do something insane.

11. Watch a meaningful movie alone or even better, attend a film festival all alone. 

12. Go to a music concert. 

13. Save up and buy one luxurious piece of accessory. Just one :)

14. Volunteer for a cause you care about.

15. Develop a personal style...Something that is comfortable for YOU!

16. Learn to cut off negativity...negative places, people...just CUT OFF! 

17. Let your real friends (usually very few) know what they mean to you :)

18. Watch Shawshank Redemption and The Pursuit of Happyness.

19. Learn to cook one gourmet dish and your comfort food.

20. Find your favorite drink. Could be non-alcoholic. For me, it's mint mocha :)

21. Watch the entire series of Friends, Suits and How I Met Your Mother.

22. Find your calling. That one thing that gives you pure, unadulterated joy.

23. Do a photography walk of your city. 

24. Play with a dog to know what pure affection is. 

25. Learn to be alone and enjoy your company :)

The Thinking Woman's Diary: Being "such a girl"

"She's a typical girl. She loves shoes. She loves going shoe shopping, right in mom's closet."

-Curtis Jackson

"Quit being such a girl, Priyanka". "I am sure you would want it in pink color". "What do you know, your'e a girl". "Do girls really know about stuff?" Sounds similar? These are the annoying questions that every woman comes across in her life pretty much frequently. There is one thing called gender stereotyping which we are not really complaining about. Because the world has stereotyped the stereotyping to such an extent that anything a person says or does is attributed to everything else but his or her individuality. What I personally cannot stand is when being "such a girl" is hurled at us as an accusation or even worse, an insult. I am not talking about men alone here, women also accuse each other of well, being a woman. The fault equally lies in us too since we take offence in being called a girl.Yes, I do understand that being "such a girl" is collectively associated to being unreasonable, vain, naive and well, a pain in the ass, But it's only fair to be called those things instead of attributing bad behavior to our gender, which btw one cannot change unless you win lottery.

Well I am not a man hater to begin with, hence I would really not jot down ways where we can make "such a guy" sound extremely offensive to the menfolk. But it doesn't mean I can't. I choose not to. I repeat. I choose not to. Spending a reasonably significant amount of time with the opposite sex, I can confidently say that yes, I really know them. And honestly speaking not one trait shown by most of the men commonly has offended me or made me say "you're such a guy!". No, I would rather embrace that difference as something inherent and make it seem endearing to me instead of annoying. Yes, it's possible. And there is nothing wrong in expecting the same kind of acceptance as women! Why do we need to be like men and trash our own belief system? In terms of work, relationships or just about anything, women these days are battling a tug inside of wanting to seem like one of the men and in turn losing their individuality. Yes, there are certain things men are really good at and yes we must constantly learn from everyone around us irrespective of their gender, color, ethnicity or just about anything. But we must also not let go or demean what we really are and probably even meant to be!

In no way my post is meant to hurt or attack men.I am blessed for not having to deal with the misogynistic attitude on a regular basis or maybe people know I will screw their happiness. Either ways it doesn't affect me. All I intend to do is urge women to embrace their individuality, don't shy away from what you really feel, express it the way you want to and don't try and be something you are not. At the same time work on your flaws for a better you, not to be like someone else. So to sum everything up I have listed few instances where I have been told to quit being "such a girl" and my mind goes "F%*k you, I am one".

• Pink. Dagnabbit! No, we are not the official mascot of Pink. We like Mauve, Wine Red, Turquoise, Magenta as much as we love Pink. And if a girl is obsessed with Pink, who cares! She likes it, she can pull it off so be it! And yes we are proud of knowing and pulling off every color in the world be it in our clothes, bags, shoes or whatever! And no, Purple and Lavender are not the same colors. 
• Talking way too much. Yes, we are super expressive about everything. We love talking. We can really really talk a lot. But why shouldn't one? You mentally feel lighter and you sleep well when you have spoken where you wanted to. Simple as that. 
• Crying. No, its not a sign of weakness. No, we are not vulnerable. This can be attributed to us being expressive. We can cry out a heartbreak or an emotional movie scene. We don't know how one doesn't cry when you feel sad. It just seems difficult to us but not impossible. But why not express sorrow when you can and be done with it? 
• Being too much into bags, shoes and makeup. Why can't men make their peace with it? We find it extremely cute how guys can take superheroes and football so seriously. Why can't we be left alone the same way? And fyi, I have known men looking down upon women who are not upto the mark in terms of fashion. But women don't really care if a guy is not into any sport so why judge those women who are not interested in reading Vogue like The Bible. Let's call it double standards, shall we?
• Being told how its our job to cook. No, it's really not. The only people whose job is to cook are the ones getting paid for it. We are just way too good in it. That one difference between women and men is yet to go away. We cook with lot of love. You can't take that away from us. We do it because we want to. It's one of our ways of expressing our love and not because our place is in the kitchen. And be thankful to the women who stayed in the kitchen to cook for you making you capable enough to say such things. A man's classy fettuccine with goat cheese and summer vegetables will kick maa ke haath ka dal chawal anyday. Beat that!
• Being picky about everything. We don't like regrets! Simple. I don't wanna go home with an ivory bag and regret when I see the same one in Burgundy carried by someone else. I am not gonna defend us on how we meticulously pick the curtains and sheets for the house because end of the day, the house looks beautiful! What I do is I don't drag impatient people along and then be picky about things. That's just not cool. And I would ask women to quit doing that and shop in peace, 
• Not knowing anything about Gadgets, Cars, Technology, Worldly affairs, Wildlife, Politics and just about anything remotely intellectual. This is the shittiest thing I personally have to deal with. I have kicked ass in terms of leading a conversation in the above mentioned things better than even a group of men. Not because I am out to prove a point but all these things genuinely interests me. And I didn't know how much I enjoyed reading and exploring about these things until I actually did. So I would suggest women to go out there and explore. You never know. The girl with the perfect nail art might end up taking interest in the Stock market equally. And I would suggest men who are sarcastic towards us, to ummm, get a life?
• Not letting go. Yes, we are stubborn. Whether it means letting go something we love that is not good for us or letting go an issue that bothers us. We are bad at doing both inspite of being very well aware of how important it is. It's not because we don't have the willpower or maturity to let go, it's because we always feel there is some room for improvement or a hope of transformation. Period.
• Being bitchy. Men bitch too. We all know that. 
• Remembering every little detail. This collectively benefits both the genders. The men won't admit but we remembering everything about them and for them has helped them massively as much as it has given us ammunition to fight as well. I would suggest, less fight and more help. Cheers!

There are some more serious and regressive accusations Indian women have to deal with. I would venture that zone with a slightly more serious writing. For know, it;s all about the freedom of expression and acceptance. And if someone accuses of being a girl, always say you are proud of being one!!!!

Now everyone can fly, without Red Bull!

With the recent event of a South Asian Airlne service (No, not that one, don’t worry) launching low cost domestic and international flights in India, I am expecting a humongous crowd flocking to it. By humongous crowd I don’t mean Dadar Station, locals will be hellish as always, no good news there. More than the mango people, I am actually expecting a Kingfisher kind of a crowd wanting to avail this on a desperate level. Why Kingfisher, you ask? It’s because we are too snooty to travel in a train and too stingy to travel by Jet Air.  Also known as the rassi jal gayi par bal nahi gaya types.  We as in I include myself as well, are such bitches and dawgs who would come up with jokes even if we are given free tickets on an Emirates or Lufthansa flight. We are so evil that we wouldn't mind paying few extra bucks to travel by Air India only to get some material for humor. And yeah, we will keep doing this. So some of the things that may happen (may okay? I didn't say will) if we go the railways way for flights.

• We will have to start booking for our 2016 flights now. I mean right now.
• We will have 10027 Mumbai-Delhi Up and 10026 Delhi-Mumbai Down flights.
• The only choice of seats would be Cramped up at a window, Cramped up at aisle, Cramped up at middle. (This is coming from a 5’10” girl).
• There will be a Ladies and Senior citizen quota that will not make a difference.
• There will be a Tatkal service that will bring out the Hulk in every Bruce Banner out there.
• And the inner Hulk will smash the keyboard at least once when Makemytrip and Cleartrip will show Service Unavailable after logging in.
• There is a bright possibility of seeing WL2366/WL997 and feeling flabbergasted as to why would someone book after WL100? Height of optimism.
• Travel booking portals will give 50 Rs off on domestic flights and lodges coupons. And still terms and conditions would apply.
• We will be able to successfully book your ticket after investing  5 hours, One pack of Marlboro Lights and a bottle of Old Monk.
• No boarding passes for Wait Listed passengers. They will have to do jugaad with the Airline counter at the airport.
• Instead of tags, we will get stickers sponsored by Bank of India or Vicco
• There will be no limit to check-in baggage, because they are aware that even if they set a limit, we will still carry bags big enough to fit our grandparents inside for a one week trip.
• No limit to cabin baggage as well to allow every passenger to smack the faces of the seated aisle passengers with their big ass bags.
• We will be asked to reach at least 10 minutes before the plane leaves the runway. Those 10 minutes are allotted to buy Bisleri and Filmfare from the aerobridge before we board.
• We will be allowed to carry Milton water coolers and Ludo board game.
• For security checking, there will only be one metal detector present and we can choose whether to walk through to it or not. We are all good people. The plane people know it.
• Once we board our economy level flight of economy flights, we will be greeted by nobody.
• We will hear Khoya Khoya Chand lounge music inside the cabin, or if we are in luck, Hotel California.
• If we manage to get a window seat, a shameless pot bellied uncle would be already sitting there thinking jab aayega tab dekhenge, abhi baith jaata hu.
• If we are sitting near the emergency exit i.e. Apatkalin Dwar, the stewardess will not come and tell us what to do. Because the window will be red with a glass case for a hammer next to it. The hammer would be missing to scare the daylights out of us.
• Once everybody settles in their seats, there will be one stewardess wearing leggings and kurta giving safety instructions.
• The stewardess will give the safety instructions in the regional language. Like, Tumcha seat cha khaali aani varti kaahich naahi. Oxygen level zar kami jhala tar vitthalache nav ghya  OR Ee flight vellathil mungya guruvayurappane villikka, seatinde adiyil jacket onnum illya. Pinne belt ketti vekka, namade pilot number one kudiyan aanu.
• The seat belts would be made of Velcro.
• The stewardess will actually end the safety instructions with this joke “Aage do dwaar, peeche do dwaar, dono nahi khule, toh Haridwar” and then wink at us.
• We shall be asked to switch off our cell phones and all other devices. We will still sneakily use it because nobody will give a damn.
• The flight will take off 30 minutes late and the lavatory will have a queue outside even on the shortest 35 minutes Mumbai-Pune flight.
• In the back of our seat pockets there will be a brochure of airlines with a “wide selection of refreshments” priced 2 Rs less than the M.R.P of course. We can have bread butter and bread jam with tea, coffee and rasna sponsored by Kissan. Meals will be sponsored by Anand Bhavan. Lassi and Chhas by Amul.
• Once you are done the stewards will come to you with Rajnigandha and a tray full of tips that they had put themselves to get the ball rolling.
• The flight will land 30 minutes late by default because it will be last carrier to get the landing permission. We may also have to walk at the runway a little because it may not exactly stop near the aerobridge.
• And lastly, there will be a fleet of attendants who would fling your bags at you from the base of the plane because the stoppage is only for 10 minutes.

Either ways it's going to make travelling easy for impatient weirdos like me who cannot sit quietly for more than an hour. Because you know, Banglaore-Goa for Rs 990 is not bad at all! Too bad this is after the goafest (sorry Indian Madmen).

P. S. If I have offended someone in this post then my job here is done.

Laters!

Review of The Xposé :- Violation of your Intellectual Property

P.S. Himesh gave the music, story, money and the sex appeal to this movie. Which means he was pregnant with this movie and when the movie came out, so did the extra flab.

Irrfan Khan enters on a melancholic note in a deserted theater. Breaking away from all stereotypes his name is Alec and he wears a fedora. He looks stoned and broke. That’s all you need to you know about him. In a Mumbai autowaala se bhi worst accent, he goes back in 1968 where a heroine in a red dress is pushed off a building. Cut to her funeral scene where the characters are introduced one by one. The good cop bad cop/ aadhi nangi and puri nangi heroines, Sonali Raut and Zara Afroz respectively. They are roomies and they both hate each other. This is news that 2 girls don’t get along. Some generic aunty is the landlord/manager/caretaker to the good girl once she moves to the bungalow. Next in line is the director himself Anant Mahadevan who plays, guess? A director! Collectively shaming all the directors both dead and alive, Anant Mahadevan is a South import who makes it big (no pun intended) in Bollywood. Then enters our very own Blues/Jazz/Dandiya crooner...Himess Bhai!!  He plays an anorexic cop (lolmax). Like every Bollywood cop he wears a fake black Ray Ban aviator. But hey, he wears it at night, during rains, inside the police station and maybe even when he poops. He has serious temper issues and is known as the “paagal of the police peepals”. We all agree to half of that sentence. He holds a cigarette but doesn't smoke it. Bola na, paagal hai!  He gets suspended from shooting an MLA (kejru alert) coz Gussa aa gaya tha. So after only one and half years in jail he is set free. And for some reason Anant signs him up for a movie. So the mad cop, who refers to raja ka nanga beta to declare his grandeur, is transformed into Blue blazer-Yellow Pants-Rainbow Aviators-Tamil puking actor. Cut to a couple of insignificant people who I don’t feel like writing about. Then enters, the man himself, torch bearer for Delhi NCR, mascot of all the Gurgaon boys you ever wanted to slap the shit out of, Mr One-Yo-is-not-cool-enough-so-I-have-two-Yos-in-my-name Honey Singaaaaa. Unlike his songs, here in the movie, there is no statuary warning issued that he is present so you can run away. He is a lecherous looking music composer notorious for selling same tunes to different directors or as we popularly know, Anu Malik.  Jesse Randhawa plays his girlfriend who makes parallel cinema. She is dusky, tall and her hair is cropped so you believe this parallel cinema has to be an intellectual thing she does.  Then, enters a baniya looking cop in the next scene who says heroine ko dhakka maara hai, it’s a murder. Thank you for telling us, we were assuming she was measuring the height of the building by jumping down with a tape. The story begins by a collage of all these annoying turd faces into a single frame, which secretly means one of them is the killer.

Himesh Bhai has a sautela bhai who did him wrong. Please don’t ask me how. My attention span is worse than a hummingbird. He looks constipated and bleached throughout the movie for some reason. The story moves on to the shooting of a Hindi film where Himess reaches late coz he is not a hero but a superhero (somewhere Ironman, Superman, Batman and Captain America died a little inside). He doesn't rehearse, never puts on makeup,q never follows the script, doesn't shake hands and generally is not civil. In short, he plays a cocky son of a bitch who mouths corny dialogues instead of normal conversation. This will remind you of Akshay Kumar from Once upon a time in Mumbai Dobara. Cut to the slutty heroine accusing Mr Yo Yo ji of using her so he makes an I-AM-A-PIMP face and asks her to go to hell. Mr Yo Yo ji says sorry with a Dairy Milk and proposes to Jesse ji in a way that every girl will remove that part of a love story from her wish list forever. So next, on one side of the set, Himes, another shah bhai and slutty heroine are shooting for Ujwal Nirmal Sheetal (I know you all are thinking about that white saree scene now) and on the other side; good heroine is shooting for another film Reena Mera Naam. There is a fire on that set and Himes bhai rushes there to save the good heroine. Now the good heroine is so mad in love that she quits smoking for him. But Himes who is also in love continues to hold an unlit cigarette throughout coz he is simply mad.

Yo Yo is now caught because he gave the same music for two films and he laughs like a lunatic. I don’t know why. You also please don’t try and figure out why. Now both the shitty films release on the same day. In spite of the transparent wet white saree playing the lead in the movie, Ujwal Nirmal Sheetal flops because the director of the other movie plays dirty tactics with the help of Irrfan Khan. Now, a very angry Himes bhai calls up that director and threatens him by telling him a medical condition he has, he pees more blood than the director has in his body. (UTI, bro). Now there is a post award The Great Gatsbhai themed party where the slutty heroine seduces Himes. He tells her he is a 40 year old virgin like Salman and refuses to even friend zone her. Then begins a song where everyone looks high as shit and dancing to ice cream khaungi. (I am trying hard to not crack jokes on that). Courtesy puraani dushmani, the actresses trash talk and start a catfight (yay!) and the good girl’s ex breaks it up (nay). Cut to the scene where the slutty heroine falls off the roof. We have come to the beginning now. Now this scene has been played over 300 times in the move for no reason. Next we see the funeral scene again where her coffin is buried in the graveyard. The coffin looks like it has been designed by Maganlal Dresswala. The question arises, who did it? Who? Do I give a shit? Obviously No!

Now I dare you to watch this movie. I double dare you to watch it till the end because I didn't. If you manage to sit till the end and tell me who did it, I promise I will take you out for dinner. If you are a fan of Himesh or Yo Yo for any reason, I will take you to a shrink

P.S. My guess is, that the killer is the person who doesn't wear a Fedora. Now go figure. 

I will not celebrate our Independence unless....

Image Courtesy: - http://mysterious-kaddu.blogspot.in

I am not being cynical. It's about being realistic. No country is perfect. We as citizens are responsible for it. But are we the only ones responsible for it? Sure, this country has its own good aspects too. But as a common man all I can see is my vote, my taxes, my efforts and my personal space being compromised, trampled and reduced to garbage. The following are the reasons I haven't wished anyone on this day. We are full of contradictions, anger and frustrations. How can we say that we are independent? Playing ae mere watan ke logon, yeh desh hai veer jawaanon ka and then giving undue importance to news about sanjay dutt being released when our brave army men are dying is not patriotism. Carrying flags around during the day and the same flags found in trash by evening is not patriotism. Posting statuses on Facebook about your love for the country and then participating in everything that accumulates to the lawlessness and filth in this country is not patriotism. Addressing India as Bharat Mata and leering at every maa behen on the road is not patriotism. Wearing white to symbolize peace and then going ahead to celebrate "festivals" by getting drunk and making a fool out of yourself is not patriotism. Saying out "Atithi Devo Bhava" and treating athithis as money bags and fair skinned druggies who can be mugged and raped is not patriotism. Giving patriotic speeches in Hindi and casting out people who cannot speak English as dumb and uncouth is not patriotism. 

If you truly love your country, work towards making your surrounding a good place to start off with. If each and every citizen could genuinely do his/her duties rightfully, we can at least hope for a better tomorrow. We can't change the government or the bureaucracy that rules us but we can at least hope for laying down a good foundation leading to a strong structure for the future generations to come by. As of today, the only free people are the politicians, the criminals and the animals that comfortable sit or sway by on the roads meant for human transportation. And we as law abiding, tax paying and helpless citizens have the absolute freedom to shop at supermarkets and get amazing discounts on this day. (I walked in to one store to get some fruits and had to get out in less than 30 secs from the fear of being trampled by greedy shoppers looking for free groceries). 

I will not celebrate our Independence unless.... 

1. A person has the freedom to report a crime or law being broken without of fear of landing in trouble.

2. A person has the freedom to do everything the ethical and lawful way and no the "chai paani" or "jugaad"

way.

3. A person is allowed to vent his frustration and has the freedom of speech without the fear of being arrested.

4. A person is free to vote for a candidate on the grounds of being the best and not the only known face among thugs.

5. A person gets the worth of the taxes he pays for the infrastructure and not the man hole deaths and pot hole accidents.

6. A person has the freedom to use his right to information and not being mocked as "kya kar loge jaanke".

7. A child has the freedom to trust the elders he mixes around with (including parents and teachers) without the fear of being tortured or molested.

8. A man can demand justice on grounds of being wrongly accused of crime against women. (Being feminist is a good thing, but men should have equal rights too).

9. A man can freely say that it's a country where men and women are treated equally. No unfair advantage is given to women.

10. Elders can peacefully stay at home without the fear of being killed by servants or watchmen.

11. A woman has the freedom to give birth to a child in a mid-level hospital without fearing about the child being stolen.

12. A woman has the freedom to divorce her husband without being labelled as loose. 

13. A woman can be out with her friends dressing the way she wants. 

14. A woman can walk in a crowd without the fear of being groped and molested.

15. A woman has the freedom to break up or dump a guy without the fear of being killed or acid attacked by the guy.

16. A woman is allowed to be dark, fat or loud mouth without the fear of being judged.

17. A woman is allowed to be opinionated and bold without the fear of being called "dented and painted".

18. A woman is allowed to study and pursue her dreams without the fear of being accused of "getting too much of freedom".

19. A woman is allowed to eat as much as she wants and not forced to do jobs of a maid just as a "pre-requisite for marriage".

20. A woman has the freedom to chose whom she wants to marry.

21. A woman has the freedom as to when and whether to bear a child or not without the fear of being called "barren".

22. A woman has the freedom to approach the protectors of law and order without the fear of being raped or slapped. 

23. A woman irrespective of her social status or caste has the right to lead a respectful life without the fear of being gang raped and set on fire. 

24. A woman is not given away with money to the highest bidder in terms of job and qualification. She is married with dignity.

25. A woman can date or dump as many guys as she wants without being feared to be called a slut. Since the same thing a man does is termed as being a stud. 

Chapter 2: - The Long Red Bindi

Back to Chapter 1:-The Endearing Dilemma

Sleep and sadness took over Piya’s eyes. She didn’t want to say goodbye to Geeta. She held back her tears in her big almond shaped eyes and bid adieu to Geeta. It was late and time for Piya to sleep. Though Piya had a penchant for movies, she was not allowed to stay up late since Amma wanted her early to bed and early to rise. There was a Hindi movie going on television that night, a rare sight in the typical South Indian household. Piya made her puppy face and asked “Amma, Salman picture”. "Illya" (No) said Amma sternly. That was curtains down for Piya. Piya was a very different child who never sought answers, argued or even asked anything for the second time, no matter how badly she wanted it. A rare combination of understanding and ego stood out in her personality. She was a surprisingly matured person for her age. So, little Piya dressed in her favourite white PJs with hair plaited neatly crawled on the bed next to Amma and held her hand. Piya couldn’t fall asleep without holding Amma’s hand. After a long hard day at work Amma’s arms again, had no rest. The television was switched off after the daily dose of news and lights went off after the daily dose of funny anecdotes from Milind. Piya hasn’t fallen asleep. The room was silent. Piya slowly freed herself from Amma’s protective hand around her and looked out of the window over to the dimly lit road. It was silent and serene. She could hear the leaves swaying with regular gushes of wind. It was a slightly cold and breezy weather. Something caught Piya’s attention. The building right in front of her had a home where people are awake and watching, oh yes! Salman Picture. Piya was overjoyed and though she could barely decipher what was going on in the movie, she made sure she still looked attentively over without squeaking. After about 10-15 minutes, the obvious happened, Piya got bored. She then came back to bed and started thinking, her favourite past time. She was wondering what Geeta could be doing at this time. Would Geeta had let me watch Salman picture? Maybe yes.

Geeta was in her late 20s, ambitious, charming, funny, head strong and deeply devoted to her parents. Geeta was Piya’s mother. So who was Amma then? Amma was Geeta’s mother, Piya’s Grandmother, Saraswati. The only person in the world Geeta could trust who could take care of her little bundle of joy, Piya. Piya was oblivious of the situation her parents were going through. They wanted to make sure their careers didn’t hamper Piya’s childhood in any way. So Piya became Amma and Acha, Geeta’s Father Ravi’s 4^th child. The most pampered and most loved of all. With Geeta being an ultimate prankster and a tomboy all through her life, having little angelic Piya was a welcome gift from life for Amma. She always wanted Piya to be very different from Geeta. And how she succeeded in the feat is a different story altogether.

Back in her apartment, Geeta was flipping channels and looking for something interesting to watch. She comes across a Salman Khan movie and clapped with excitement. He was Geeta’s favourite. She misses Piya. No I am not going to watch any movie without my Piya. Geeta switches off the television with a heavy heart and picks up the newspaper. Not one, not two but four different newspapers. Not that they carried different stories or events across the city, but Geeta’s love for reading knew no bounds. Once she finished reading her newspaper, she picked up her bible, The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, and curled up in her bed.  She reads, reads and reads. She read till her eyes were heavy with sleep. She can’t help but miss little Piya by her side. She wished Piya was there to chirp endlessly, which Piya did every waking minute of her life. Avoiding thinking about Piya, Geeta went to sleep.

Geeta was a disciplined early riser. It didn’t really matter what time she went to bed, she would religiously be up by 6 in the morning. And the couple of early morning hours were very precious to Geeta. She called it her thinking time. With a sweet and strong cup of piping hot tea, Geeta was standing in her veranda, gazing at birds chirping, clouds moving, trees swaying and oh, I am late for work. Geeta was perennially late, fashionably though. She took a quick shower, skipped breakfast like every day and packed her handbag with the newspapers and books. Kohl lined eyes and a big long red bindi were indispensible part of Geeta’s personality, she looked every inch an Indian dusky beauty. Geeta rushed out of the building and called out for an auto to reach the station making sure she didn’t share the ride with anyone. On the way she gets about 5-6 calls which enquired what time she would be reaching office. Geeta cleverly dodged her excuses for being late and kept saying that she will be there soon. Geeta finally reached station and stood waiting for her train to arrive. She had a definite spot where she stood every day since she knew that is one way to ensure she rushes in the First class compartment first and grabs her window seat. She accomplished this feat every day! In Mumbai! She stood near a snacks stall and an elderly feeble woman approached her. Geeta was appalled at the sight of an elderly lady begging for a living. Instead of giving money, Geeta took the old woman to the stall and asked her to eat something. She paid the stall guy and made sure the old lady got a cup of tea and pack of biscuits. Geeta held back her tears and went back to her spot when the train was just about to arrive. The train arrived and whoosh, with one swift movement, Geeta was in the train. She sat comfortably in her favourite window seat with a smile of accomplishment and embarked the journey to work. Looking out of the window was a familial hobby. Geeta saw trees, huge buildings; slums, offices and people pass by when the trained speedily moved through Central Suburban Lines of Mumbai.

Geeta reached office and gave a warm smile to everyone. Her pearly sparkling smile with an unbeatable charm made people forget that she was almost an hour late for work. Everyone at work loved Geeta’s sense of humour and her dynamic personality. Always the leader of the pack, Geeta had a history of quarrelling crazy with her seniors and yet getting away by making her point clear and heard. Geeta worked dedicatedly without really caring about the number of hours she was actually supposed to put in. She over committed and over delivered. Adored by her colleagues and revered by the juniors, Geeta was a born star.

As the evening approached, Geeta was wondering if she could get home early and spend some time with Piya. She wanted to surprise Piya by playing her favourite game, The Fort game. This game was nothing but building a fort of curtains and putting all of Piya’s toys in one place and letting her play on her own. Maybe I can get home early today. Wonder what Piya must be doing. Geeta was sitting in her cabin looking at Piya's picture in her purse.

:)

Next Chapter 3: - The First Lie

Chapter 1:-The Endearing Dilemma

Amma walked into little Piya sleeping peacefully. Amma knew Piya is awake and was trying her best to avoid school like she always used to. Crisp cotton saree draped neatly, hair neatly tied in a bun, tall, fair and pleasantly plump. One look at her and you could say that Amma was a disciplinarian. Ignoring all the puppy faces and feline noises Piya was making, Amma asked sternly, “So what’s the excuse today?”  Piya covers herself over with a blanket and says “Er, I feel a little heavy in my heart, maybe I should sleep Amma, no school Amma, please na.” Amma simply burst out laughing and called Milind in the room, her blue eyed son in his late 20s. “You heard what she said? It seems today her heart is giving her trouble. This is what happens when a little girl watches too much television.” Milind doted on Piya since the time she was born and he poured all his affection on her. Piya was more like a daughter to him. He covered Piya over with a blanket and took Amma out of the room. Amma was caught up with packing lunch boxes and ensuring that the men of the house leave for their work on time, so she saved Piya for the last since her school was in the afternoon. Meanwhile Milind’s elder brother Vineet, the ultimate prankster of the family, tiptoed over Piya’s room and woke her up again. He pulled Piya’s ears and she screeched with anger. That was Vineet’s agenda for the day completed successfully. Acha came out of his room with a comb in his hand and dressed up for the day. His moustache was just like the Army men which gave him a very stern and intimidating demeanour. He was very particular about how well his shirt is ironed and how perfectly his trousers fit. “Early morning this boy starts troubling my little doll”, Acha yelled out to Amma. Hearing Acha’s voice, Piya decided to persuade him that she doesn’t want to go to school. She quietly walked towards him like a little girl burdened with a heavy heart. Acha then made her sit on his lap and attempted at cajoling her. ”You are a good girl no? Good children never say no to education. You know how difficult it is for some people to even get an admission in a school?” By now, Milind chirped in “Amma let her stay at home na, even I have a holiday, I will play with her” Acha sternly said “Milind, it’s because of you that this girl is getting lazier day by day, stop pampering her like this. Piya will go to school, won’t she?” Piya nodded along with least interest and had by then accepted the fact that she had to go to school at any cost. Sigh.

 Since the time Piya was in her kindergarten, she had developed the knack of making up the most unique and funny excuse to avoid school, everyday!  Not that she was bad in her studies or had no friends in the school. She was the only student who was sent from junior year kindergarten to the first grade directly since she had brilliant communication skills and was much more evolved for her age. The teachers absolutely adored her in spite of her absenteeism and reluctance for school. A baby face, dusky complexion, jet black curly hair and an impressive height, Piya came off as a typical South Indian kid from her looks. But unlike other South Indian kids, she was least interested in pleasing teachers or being the first one to answer every question. She had a little world of her own where everything had to be real and sensible. Her classmates thought of her as an arrogant girl but still somehow mustered up some courage to interact with her. Once they got to know her , they realized that she is she a friendly, kind yet reserved girl. She used to cry silently missing home unlike other kids who wailed at the drop of a hat. She hated to be away from home and her teachers knew it. Tears used to keep dripping on her big, round cheeks and she used to wipe them off while writing in her notebooks. The handwriting was consistently bad. It was legible but very bad. She surely couldn’t seem to care about it.

Somehow Piya managed to pull of the day and came back home in the evening.  Before Piya started lazing around, Amma caught hold of her and made sure she took a shower in hot water with Dettol. Yes! Hot water shower with Dettol was a painful and unavoidable ritual maintained by Amma. And mind you, nobody could escape it. Amma made Piya wear clean clothes meant only for the home and then let her into her own world. Piya was allowed to watch as much as cartoons and television as she wanted to. The family was very liberated and never believed in troubling little kids with studies every day. Piya was looking out of the window and waving out to a little monkey perched on a dense tree next to their house. Kids from the other buildings used to do the same thing but again Piya was keen about knowing as to how can one stay on a tree. She was engrossed in her thoughts. Spotting her deeply engaged, Amma told Milind that she sometimes gets worried as to what this girl is thinking because she never tells anything to anyone. Piya was still looking out of the window and she kept checking the time. It was 4.30 and she saw Acha coming back from work. She was overjoyed and opened the door, something Piya did every day. Acha loved curling Piya's hair with his tiny comb, he made sure he did it everyday. She played with him for a while and went back at her window to see the world outside. The clock struck 8.30 pm and she ran inside her room. Acha was comfortably watching a cricket match which was the one thing that the entire family was crazy about. Piya said nothing and made a puppy face. Acha knew it was time for Popeye the Sailor man so handed over the remote control to Piya and made a huge sacrifice. Halfway through the cartoon show, Piya heard the doorbell ringing. Something struck her and she ran over to the door. When she opened the door, there was this beautiful dusky woman with a big red bindi and a nice smelling perfume, beautifully painted long nails and a wedge heeled shoes. This woman lifted Piya in her arms and gave a peck on her cheeks. Amma came out of the kitchen and said “This is nice. You come and Piya forgets our existence.” Everybody gave an affirmative laugh and a warm welcome to the woman. Amma quickly served dinner for everyone. The dinner was typical vegetarian simple meal which belonged more to the culture of Mumbai city where they lived since 2 decades than from Kerala which was their native place. The food was made keeping Piya in mind. Food was less spicy, less oily and off course tasty since Piya was a big foodie. After having a sumptuous meal of dal,rice,salad,curd and papad, Piya would be fed at least one spoon of rice again turn by turn by every member of the house. Only then everyone else would start eating their meal. When everybody else was busy eating dinner, Piya served water and passes around papads or pickles for everyone. She was a typical girl who wanted to learn everything that her Amma did.

Piya is aware that this woman is going to leave after dinner. She felt a lump in her throat. But she knows she can’t leave Amma and go. So what will Piya do now? What is this endearing dilemma as to who she loves more? Next chapter will reveal it all J  

Next Chapter 2: - The Long Red Bindi

Why I would rather die than live in this country as a woman....

I am appalled. I am pissed off. I am in tears. The recent Guwahati incident has exacerbated my dormant rage against chauvinistic and sick men in our country. Not that feminism is a new thing for me, those who know me personally are aware of how strong minded and independent I am.  Time and again I have stood up for myself, friends, family and acquaintances sadly attracting the hate from men. Not that I have ever said women are superior to men, all I am saying treat us equally and humanly.

Rape and molestation has become an everyday thing for us. We read it in the headlines, on almost every third page of the newspaper depending on the proximity of the incident. We are helplessly seeing husbands raping their wives, father raping their daughters, infants as old as couple of days old being raped by sick men, women as old as 80 year old being raped by sick bastards, friends gang raping girl who agreed to have an evening out with them, teachers molesting students who are expected to bestow the wealth of education, doctors raping patients, women in labour i.e. in the most painful and vulnerable moment of her life being molested by doctors, women molested in their work place by superiors taking away the right to be independent and infinite number of shocking incidents. Women are asked not to step out of the house after 7, so what about the rape incidents occurring in broad daylight? What if the protectors turn attackers? What can a woman do in this case? The recent Khap Panchayat decision on banning cell phones and love marriages for women has enraged me to no end. Why can’t she have a cell phone? So that she can’t call for help when 10 men are molesting her? Why can’t she have a love marriage? So that she can be raped by her father in law and 10 other men when she marries a man she hardly knows? The woman will wear whatever she wants. If a women dressing provocatively is an invitation to rape so why aren’t men who are scantily dressed also raped?  And are you saying an infant raped and killed was wearing a cocktail dress or the dalit woman raped and set ablaze was in a 2-piece bikini??? Blaming a woman’s decency for rape is just like blaming the dead man’s provocation for murder. If the rapists were provoked, so were the murderers right? IT IS THE SAME THING. One kills the body and other kills the soul. That is the only difference.

Right from the time a girl is born in our country, she is considered as a liability. Her dowry and marriage expensed drive people in our country to kill them even before she is born or in most of the cases after she is born. Babies as old as a couple of hours are left to die in garbage cans. They are thrown away from hospital windows. The dowry deaths are still prevalent in our country. After marriage, a girl changes her name, leaves her family, goes to a new place, takes up the responsibility of the in laws and still they want money from her??? Why the hell does the girl’s family need to give money? Ladki bhi do aur paisa bhi?  Brides abandoned on the wedding day for dowry is a common thing in our country. Stop giving and taking dowry. The worse could happen is that the girl will happily stay in her parent’s house for a longer time but she will eventually find a groom and not a money hungry trader. Why? Why can’t people join hands and make weddings as a joyous occasion depicting union of two people than a filthy display of wealth for insignificant ill-wishers which makes the family of the girls a scapegoat? Why? According to the NCRB, approximately 6,000 women are killed in India every year because of dowry. Unofficial estimates are as high as 15,000 deaths a year. In other words, between 16 and 40 women die every day because of dowry.

The girls are not fed properly in certain parts of our country. Can you believe that? This is the sad truth of families that make young girls work like maids so that they don’t put on weight and stunt their growth. The fact that women are objectified on the basis of their looks is bringing down super confident and talented women. The obsession with fair skin in our country is putting millions of dusky women into depression.  Why? Aren’t dusky women beautiful? Is a woman only beautiful if she is reed thin and fair? Then why don’t you go buy a mute mannequin from a store and marry her. That’s what the chauvinistic men want, right? Fairness cream ads, anorexic models, weight loss stories, correcting imperfections of your body and face, anti aging products, endowment and reduction packages, and what not. Why? Never seen men being objectified like this? Age makes women old and men mature? Why? Women must themselves have the confidence to chuck off people from their lives who objectify them and be happy with the grace and womanhood she is blessed with.

A strong confident girl is brought down time and again by her brothers, uncles, friend and even her own father. Why? Why can’t men accept the fact that a girl can be intellectually gifted, she can also have business acumen, she can also be a gadget freak, she can also be creative, she can be funny and hell yeah, she IS smart. I have personally been offended time and again by men for being blunt and honest. If men make objectionable jokes they are funny, but if women make such jokes they are supposed to be teased and hit on.  Ambitious and confident women have been bombarded with statements like dekho yaar job hi karlo agle kuch saal mein toh shaadi karni hogi na, ghar ke kaam seekh lo pehle warna sasural mein kaise rahogi, tumhaara toh pati hi tumhe theek karega, tum ghar par rehke bachhe sambhaalo paise main kamaaunga, tumhe naukri/padhaai ki kya zarurat hai pati/pita kama toh rahe hai, and loads of other sentences. I will not buy the fact that these thoughts belong to the rural population of India since every woman I know has faced chauvinism at some point of time in her life.  Stand up for yourself girls. Don’t get bogged down by these chauvinistic remarks. 

Official statistics collaborated Pan India in 2010

Rape Victims

There were 22,193 victims of Rape out of 22,172 reported rape cases in the country. 8.9% (1,975) of the total victims of rape were girls under 14 years of age, while 16.1% (3,570) were teen aged girls (14-18 years). 57.4% (12,749) were women in the age-group 18-30 years. 3,763 victims (17.0%) were in the age-group of 30-50 years while 0.6% (136) over 50 years of age.

Offenders were known to the victims in as many as 21,566 (97.3%) cases. Parents / close family members were involved in 1.3% (288 out of 21,566) of these cases, neighbours were involved in 36.2% cases (7,816 out of 21,566) and relatives were involved in 6.2% (1,344 out of 21,566) cases.

Kidnapping & Abduction

These cases have reported an increase of 15.7% as compared to previous year (25,741).

Dowry Deaths

These cases have increased by 0.1%over the previous year (8,383).

Torture (Cruelty by Husband & Relatives)

Torture cases in the country have increased by 5.0% over the previous year (89,546).

Molestation

Incidents of molestation in the country have increased by 4.9% over the previous year (38,711).

Sexual Harassment

The number of such cases has decreased by 9.5% over the previous year (11,009).

Immoral Traffic

Cases under this Act have registered an increase of 1.0% during the year as compared to the previous year (2,474).

Dowry Prohibition Act

The cases under this Act have decreased by 8.3% as compared to the previous year (5,650).

In India, according to National Crime Records Bureau's i.e. NCRB in 2005 Crime Clock, there is,

§  1 crime committed against women every three minutes

§  1 molestation case every 15 minutes

§  1 sexual harassment case every 53 minutes

§  1 kidnapping and abduction case every 23 minutes

§  1 rape case every 29 minutes

While you are reading this article, crimes are committed on at least 3 women, one woman has been molested, one woman has been abducted and one woman has been raped in India.

And those are only the reported and recorded statistics. What’s more,

§  Four out of 10 women in India have experienced violence in the home.

 §  45% of women have suffered at least one incident of physical or psychological violence.

§  26% have experienced   at least one moderate form of physical violence.

 §  More than 50% of pregnant women have experienced severe violent physical injuries.

These are the official statistics and the crimes against women are highly unreported in our country.

The state wise accountability for crime against women is shocking.  The websites below have a detailed account of state wise crime frequency occurring in a country that is lovingly referred as Bharat Mata. 

Statistics courtesy: http://www.wikigender.org/index.php/Crime_against_Women_in_India,_2010

http://infochangeindia.org/women/backgrounder/violence-against-women.html

I hope this is passed on to every individual out there who is unaware of the atrocities over women in this country and still believes women are worshipped in India.

Why I can't face Facebook anymore.....

Welcome aboard to my futile, never-ending ranting about cool things. Yes, you heard it right. I hate FACEBOOK. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. The social networking frenzy which was an addiction before has now simply turned to one of the modern day monsters, ripping people off their ethics and common sense. Why so bitter Priyanka??? That's because I log in to my Facebook account to catch up with friends, share some pictures or videos but I am made to go through experiences that one has in a past life analysis. Read on, you'll know.  

      1.   It effing changes......every minute!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why the hell does this frigging thing change by the minute will always stay a mystery to me. An unresolved bloody mystery that even Lord Voldemort couldn't think of. The minute you get comfortable with the interface, they introduce hidden buttons, hidden tabs, hidden monsters etc. And you spend 1/3^rd of your day, trying to figure how to use the new features and voila, it changes again. They now have video chat which will pop up and catch u in the worst of your face when you are hogging on Oreos (which is what I am doing right now) and ensure you never get a video call from the same person. New features added to chat, messages, and tiny popup messages which according to me say “Did you know ?? Now Facebook has this brand new shit which I can bet my ass on that you will never figure out, boo hoo to you, little retarded noob “.

      2.   The apps requests I get...nuff said.

Oh, I bet most of you out there are sick of the shit load of game requests people send. I know, I know most of them don’t even know how it just gets posted on to people’s walls. But seriously, how do people even land up on such pages and apps???? STILL???? Love percentage, marriage date; next kiss date, next pee schedule, etc. Are you consulting Facebook for life's milestones?  Photo of the day, friend of the day, stalker of the day, burglar of the day.... F*ck enough man!!!!! I know Farmville was at a time the best remedy for dealing with emotional crises but still??? I am sure most of my crops have snakes slithering on them and my farm animals must have turned into vampires since I realized I am an adult. And btw, who is such the dumbass that came up with Glassdoor???  WHO THE HELL CONNECTS PROFESSIONALLY ON FACEBOOK???? One more Glassdoor request and I am going to smash it on the sender’s face.

      3.   Status-Having fun at xyz’s house, not enough fun to get log the f**k off Facebook though.

      Photos-Only 2377 pictures of you gulping pint after pint at a friend’s house.

Why people why???? Can’t you just go to a place to relax and hang out??? Is it really the need of the hour to click pictures from every angle possible?? You want to click for memories??? Do that. But why are you spamming people with them??? Putting out statuses about hanging out at a club, local grocery store, at the kennel of your neighbour’s dog is not cool. It is clearly obvious nobody is talking to you and you’re a loner out there.

The duck face shit strewn all over Facebook. Semi naked chicks posting pictures taken in their bedrooms and bathrooms are a rage. There will be about 300 likes and 200 comments with lots of muaaahhhh, awwwws, bhowwwws, never mind.  The heart and kiss symbol thrown in by every girl with the kewl lingo makes me shut my lappy like Ranbir Kapoor in the Ultrabook ad. That is the only way they can look cool it seems. Please get a life.

      4.   Groups, lists, battalions, army....F**K!!!!  Give me a break!!!

I am sick of the friend "sorting" Facebook does. I don’t want to create 100 lists and categorize my friends. I am not Monica from FRIENDS. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT!!! I am happy with knowing I have only friends and acquaintances in my list, why the hell should I sort them into close friends, good friends, school friends, college psychos and potential killers???  I will not, so get lost!!!

Groups are the things that drive me to the wall. Firstly, did u ask me before adding me there??? What if I am not into neighbourhood soccer suckers?  I am not into that shit, don’t you get it? Its okay if you add me, I mean it has a rude option to “Leave the group” with a door thingy. I find it rude okay?? You force me to storm out of the group by posting incessantly every hour. I get a notification about it every minute!!!!  Else, the annoying group chat pops up and I sit there witnessing people I don’t know or care about flirting, fighting and trolling.

      5.   The like if you get, share if you care, post if you dare, 1 $ for every share....What is the option of not giving a tiny rat’s ass???

I am sick of pictures shared by emo pages like I will love you till the end, You are only mine, I am a retard, etc .They say, like if you agree, share if you agree and the worst part is, like if you GET it. Why wouldn’t I GET IT you freaking idiot??? You think I am caveman with a club in his hand and a beehive for hair sitting with a laptop I stole from the city??? I do get the sad or “funny” thing you just posted but I have better things to do than liking and sharing it.

Also, the gory, mutilated, bloated, tampered pictures of sick people and babies all around the world makes me want to poke my eyes till I go blind. Seriously, I very well know half of them are doctored to increase web trafficking, yet they are depressing. I would rather watch India TV news channel since they are masters of exaggeration. 1 $ for every share is the shittiest thing I’ve ever heard. Please stop playing around with people’s emotions.  Also what is with the LONG, REALLY LONG stories about two lovers either dying and the soul searching??? 

6.   It's breaking relationships. Really :(

Today, if you are really serious about your guy/girl, the ultimate plunge is updating your Facebook relationship status. Yes, you heard it right. Couples fight, cry, argue and even break up over this silly thing. I have never understood why it is so important, especially for girls. And guys keep looking out for better options on Facebook and cheat on their girlfriends "technologically". The hottie from Chandigarh wearing revealing is-it-there-or-is-it-not-there skirt is the sensation among  all her friends. you talk to her and you end up alone. Finished. Sad. Just SAD.

7.   The "SECURITY"......

Facebook security and sharing filters is nothing short of a heritage Fort. You can hide it from a, show it to b, show it later to c...what not!!!! This feature is known to about 20% of the people which is saddest part. Also, if you're account is so secure, why do I still keep getting friends requests from distant countries with messages like "I may or may not be a man of your taste but your beauty is such that will enchant any man" from a 60 year old man????? Point to ponder upon........

Tips for young people to become normal

You are the future of the nation. You are the most powerful resource of the country unless you are an engineering student. Then you are just a goon in making. I am talking about YOUTH. Some tips listed for you people to realise what ”YOUTH”  is not about and help you not behave like something that rhymes with it ;)

      1.       It’s my...repeat after me you little retarded monkeys....it’s not mah...it’s my...

Saying ma for my, just looks like a faux attempt at proving how much you love your mother. Seriously guys and gals, have you never been to a proper school??? Are you so oblivious to the concept of grammar and pronunciation??? (Once again someone says “pronOUnciation” I will slap the shit out of them) Why do you tawk lyk dis? Are dyslexic? Are you blind? Do you just smash your forehead on the keyboard instead of typing? I swear I feel like throwing a copy of The Wren and Martin on your face when I see the mass murder of English language like this.

      2.       You are LOLing...OMGing....BRBing...WTFing...I am boiling....

You have serious issues here okay? What the heck is saying LOL when someone says something funny? Are you a seal? No maybe you are a pig? Laugh no, you numb heads. Why do you have to say LOL?????? OMG ??? WTF????  Please talk to me just once, I will tell u how to say the complete sentence with utmost aghast. It is more liberating you see.

      3.       Pull up your pants....Pull down the top....please!!!!!

Yes please. Wear your clothes the way they are meant to be worn. I don’t care if you’re a Calvin Klein fan or a Rupa chaddi fan. I frigging don’t want to see your Grand Canyon. And girls, I don’t want to either of your Grand Canyons.  I don’t want to see cellulite oozing thighs. I don’t want to see huge bellies and asses bulging out of poor little denim cages who can’t contain them. Even if you have a great body, why on earth are you flaunting it for no apparent reason? There is a time and place for it. Don’t expose inappropriately. Why can’t you dress up like a sane person? Just go full Monty if the clothes bother u so much. Much easier to achieve what you want.

      4.       You look like a crossbreed of peacock and a diseased rooster.

The macaw hairstyles, neon coloured extensions and highlights, the weird facial hairstyles, etc. All this reminds me of roosters who mated with peacocks and produced off springs like you. You look UGLY, HORRIBLE, And STUPID. There it is. I have burst the bubble??? Go frigging get a normal person haircut. Girls, what is with the weird rainbow makeup???? You know if someone hurls a bucket of water on your face you will look like a colour palette that was washed ashore by Tsunami. Get your frigging brains repaired. YOU LOOK UGLY. SIMPLY UGLY.

      5.       What is life without Gizmos??? Facebook and Twitter??? Worth living.....

Bunch of kids with Playstations and Ipads make me cringe to no end.  What the hell is wrong with you people? Haven’t you heard of outdoor games? Do you even know what sky looks like? Do you know how to run or play? Off course you don’t because you are busy moon walking to faux coolness. Yes, there is a life beyond social networking sites. I have seen people going to gatherings just to click pictures and upload them on Facebook or update a status like having so much fun at the party. If you’re frigging enjoying so much, why the hell are you on your smart phone? And for your information, nobody wants to see 347 pictures of the last night barbeque with friends. People prove their love by over mushy picture indulging in PDA and by CHANGING their relationship status. Such a wannabe thing to do I swear!!!!

      6.       Get your act together. Don’t go with the herd unless you are a cow....

Seriously, bitches that pretend to be a storehouse of wisdom will get you shot. If following socialist hotties is your thing, go with Brinda Karat. The worst that might happen then is you will have no friends left. When the hell did Paulo Coelho become the must read author to prove your intellectual chops?  Don’t stick your stupid Facebook and twitter profiles with Paulo Coelho as your favourite author. It just tells me you don’t really read and just bought one at a train station because everyone seemed to have one. Personally, I swear I don’t read books and I have said that honestly on my Facebook profile. And I am not considered a retard because I don’t read.

      7.       Stop giving a damn about the EPL , IPL and also CPL, u might get a GP....never mind....

Nobody, I repeat, NOBODY cares if you’re supporting Man U or Barca. KKR or MI. They’re not YOUR team and their success doesn’t mean that YOU won. No matter how many jerseys you buy from a trip to Thailand or Bandra, no matter how many soccer shoes you buy and wear at inappropriate places.  They won’t pick u in the team.  Enjoy watching the game, get competitive, play football like hell in your REAL life, its cooler. Find some other goddamn purpose in life than tweet about players whose names you can’t pronounce and who you’ve only been exposed to in FIFA 2007.

      8.       Commitment phobic??? So is everyone right?

Yup it’s true. Not believing in love is the latest thing to do. Friends with all kinds of benefits are around so who needs a companion??? Who needs commitment???  Who can actually LOVE someone??? Seriously you idiotic kids who don’t believe in the institution of marriage, you will die alone on a rocking chair with your macaw gelled grey hair and a Blackberry in the hand.

      9.       You booze, you fag and you get stoned every Saturday night? Wow your parents are really lucky!!!!!

True isn’t it?? You can’t be cool if you are teetotaller??? You can’t be cool if you don’t do drugs??? Fagging helps relieve stress??? Hookah parlours need regular attendance from you??? Say no friends. Don’t give in to pressure. Understand what this abuse will do to your body in the long run.

     10.   You are here only because your parents wanted to.

Don’t insult your parents. They may not be a gizmo freak retard like you but they are still parents. They endure your bull shit only because they love you to the core. You will land nowhere if u disrespect them.

Department-The funniest movie of the year

First things first, this review is nothing like a professional or an unbiased review. So don’t expect me to be nice. This post is actually my frustration jotted down in a very subtle way. Trust me, very subtle. I missed an exotic lunch for this. I wasted 3 precious hours of my life for this. I gave up watching Ishaqzaade for this. I risked my mental peace simply because I used to be a diehard RGV movie fan. Sadly, neither I am a RGV fan anymore nor a Sanjay Dutt fan. Curtains came down for me today.

This film starts off with Inspector Shivnarayan (Rana Daggubatti), an encounter specialist, running in slow motion wearing a police uniform, giving u a feeling of multiple déjà vu. There is a loud fight scene and then the movie moves on to Mahadev Bhosale (Sanjay Dutt), the DSP of an encounter squad. Again, there is a loud fight scene in a bar/naked stoned chicks dancing place. By now, if your ear drums are intact, the movie moves on to a weird man talking in the background about Mumbai and a shootout scene at Juhu beach. Shivnarayan is suspended and Mahadev asks him to join the department. Honestly speaking, if you really don’t concentrate like you did in your math classes, you are never going to figure out which department this is. I’ll tell you, they do dishum dishum and dhichkau dhichkau. That’s the frigging department. You’re welcome for the valuable piece of information I shared. Anyways. Moving on, somewhere in the background, there are 2 poor ladies thrown in the movie, Bharati (Anjana Sukhani) as Shivnarayan's wife and Padmini (Lakshmi Manchu) as Mrs Mahadev Bhosale. Their only screen space in the movie is to make dinner and dialogues like “uff aap sirf kaam ki baatein karte rahoge kya??” which are effed up and clichéd to the core. Also, they provide moral cleansing speeches in the movie. Moving on, the cops start the baddie hunting and killings. Cut to Sawatya (Vijay Raaz), a semi clad Mumbai Don, who by the way is the most malnourished don ever. EVER. His henchman is D.K. (Abhimanyu Singh) and his gun moll Naseer (Madhu Shalini) who is a really filthy looking creature, not a girl, CREATURE. The Sawatya gang scenes are insanely hilarious; they talk like struggling dons from UP somehow adapting to the life in Mumbai and the city’s accent. Cut to Mr Sarjerao Gaikwad, a gangster-turned politician played by the living legend (I am still in tears for RGV wasting an actor like him). How could Mr Bacchan stoop to such a level? Was he kidnapped and threatened to do this movie?? Maybe. He should end this friendship favors immediately. RGV is killing his career(remember RGV ki aag?? okay okay don't cry now, it's okay) . Mr Sarjerao walks with his hands on the waist like a Assamese Bihu dancer and ties a bell around his hand which keeps reminding you what to say when people ask “movie achha tha kya?”  The moral tiff between Mahadev and Shivnarayan takes the film to a different tangent and then you lose like what is 20 years of your life. The movie just drags. Horribly long. One spoiler, you are not going to see the true villain till the end, which makes you want to shoot yourself right in the head. The ending was very predictable though I don’t know who is going to have the threshold to hold on till the end. That person will get a special standing ovation and a round of slow clap from me. Promise!!!!

The camera work is pathetic. It moves so much and pans deep into tea cups, shoes, chairs, eyes, foot, toenails, also on every objectionable place in the body. It gives you migraine attacks because the camera keeps moving and makes your head spin for no apparent reason. The fight scenes make you laugh like hell. The item song about sugar girl is irritating and she dances as though she get convulsions by the second. The semi naked mad woman gives a nirvana expression when she is passed around like a plate of appetizers by men. Nauseating.The cuss words in the movie are very less compared to the cuss words I hurled at the screen. The song with Ganesh Acharya made me almost cry. He looks like rotten, darkened Bappi Lehari in it. There are some dirty scenes in the movie with Abhimanyu Singh and the moll girl/slut that makes you throw up; I really wanted to ask for a paper bag in the movie. The surprise package is Deepak Tijori, with only three fourth of his eyebrows and beautiful kajal adorned eyes. The dialogues seem like written by someone with some imbalance in the grey cells with a sole ambition of screwing the audience's senses. There is one which is "duniya mein sirf do tarah ke log hote hai, ek samajhdar aur dusre ch*****". After paying money for this movie, you discover which category you belong to. Sanjay Dutt disappoints you horribly and all you want to do is grab him by the neck, hurl him somewhere and show him Vastav on a DVD. Rana Daggubatti has made an honest effort to save the movie which falls flat on the face. Someway I am going to hunt RGV down, pluck each of his hair out, make him bald and take 300 bucks from him. To tell him what slow pain is and how you feel when you pay for it. Horrible man. He is going to hell for sure.

Final Verdict: Honestly speaking this movie is insanely hilarious in a sadly unintentional way. I’ve never had so much fun in a movie theatre and never have I behaved like a tapoori yelling bhag jaa saale kutte every 2 seconds. (Other cuss words spoken cannot be mentioned here) Don’t watch it even if you are being taken away on a gun point. Dying is better. I swear!!!

P.S (For girls) Rana looks incredibly hot in the movie. Every scene he is on, is a treat for the eyes. Paisa wasool girls (wink wink).
P.S (For all) Anybody helping me to marry Rana Daggubatti will get half the amount of gold that I am going to wear on the wedding day. Thank you.

Relationship-A ship that you voluntarily get on even though you know it drowns you

“Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage”-Ambrose Bierce

Being in a relationship is so clichéd that it takes away every ounce of sense you have. It makes you impractical, insecure and negative. Initially everything seems like the Mills and Boons sagas, later comes the real Pyaar ka Panchnama. Stuff I have written in this post is something that I have observed over my few years of existence and being an agony aunt for my friends. Consider this as my long due ranting about gals and guys who mess up their relationships. THEY PISS ME OFF!!!!!

Disclaimer -The following points contain some harsh hitting truths. Readers addicted to movies like The notebook are advised not to read any further. Also, anybody differing from the stuff written here can go fly a kite :D

Mantal Bwoyz

“The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for women and around thirty-seven for men”-Aristotle

Okay I am being a feminist here but I’ll start with the boys first. Sorry to all my friends out there but no matter how much you guys bully me that girls are the combatants in a relationship, I do beg to differ that we are not the only ones.

           You love challenges....only!!!

Yup boys, it’s true. You guys need to chase the girl. You guys are accustomed to rejection so much that anything that comes easy to you is worthless. Until and unless a girl throws tantrums, she is not desirable to you. Classic case is our Archie, Betty and Veronica. In the end the rich snobbish bitch gets the guy. The girl next door stays indoors and just cries!!!
P.S Any resemblance of the above content to the blogger will be entertained with exotic cuss words. Thank You.

         You guys pretend to be insensitive!!!!

What is wrong in crying? What is wrong in expressing? What is wrong in being sensitive to things? What is wrong in being hurt and admitting to it?  It questions your masculinity??? Your testosterones have to be at the surface level to prove that you are the “MAN”. And you hate it whe we cry at the movies. That is not going to change, so go take a hike.

         You have never understood women....you never will...

We have annoying little habits. Yes we talk a lot. Yes we tend to get neurotic at times. Yes we get jealous like hell when you even talk to some girl. Yes we do keep making plans about “us”. Yes we do that because we love you. You guys just call women obsessive if they care and a stone if they don’t. So what the hell are we supposed to do???

         Commitment phobic?

Why do you guys feel we have a gun and a wedding ring in our pockets??? Why do you guys feel we are going to gag you up and force you down the aisle??? No, we are really not always putting ourselves out there and making marriage plans with you guys. We also prefer living in the moment and see how things go. And I am talking about sensible women out here ok? Not the ones straight out of a Karan Johar or Yash Chopra movie.

         Insecurity and chauvinism?

This is the one trait in men that drives me up the wall.  Women are pretty objects and they supposed to be the same all their lives. They can’t have brains. They can’t have a sense of humour. They can’t have career goals. They can’t be a techie or a geek. A woman is desirable if she is smart, but not if she is smart”er” than a man. Then you bring her down by reaffirming the fact that the place of a woman is in the kitchen. But guys please remember there are knives, rolling pin, pans and BUTCHER'S KNIFE in the kitchen so beware when the woman is pissed off and comes out of the kitchen :D
P.S Any guy out there saying that he prefers equality in gender is most welcome to talk to me for half an hour and I will bring out the hidden chauvinist in him :D

         Little things we love J(Sentiness expressed here)

All women aren’t gold or platinum wedding band diggers, my bros. Even a small candy bar makes us happy just because you get it for us. We don’t want you to remember every little detail but we want you guys to remember how much you love us. We don’t want a routine attendance phone call every day. The occasional cute texts and calls when you really want to talk to us make us happy. And no unlike what most of my friends think, women are not going to exchange every gift you give her and get a better one :D Dedicate songs, care about her feelings, and just listen to her when she is mad. Women just need to feel special. That’s all J 

Bawli Chhoriyan

“Women-can’t live with them or bury them in the backyard without the neighbours seeing”-Sean Williamson

Ahhh now the boys are going to love this part. I am so sorry my gal pals, but this is the truth whether you lasses agree with me or not. Hope this brings in some enlightenment for you.

         You want to be a mom or a girlfriend???!!!!!

Yes we all do that. Where are you? Why aren’t you home yet? Why are you smoking/drinking? Why are you with that trouble maker friend? Why aren’t you focussing on your career/studies? Why don’t you get serious in life? Why do you wear that shirt? Why don’t you change your hairstyle? Why do you breathe every 0.2245 nanoseconds? SHIT give them a break!!!!! They get enough of this at home, they need a companion, not a caretaker.

         Marriage is a part of life and NOT the reason for existence!!!!!

Yes girls it’s truly not. Live in the moment no? Why do you start planning the future the minute you start dating someone. It is not acceptable if you keep dropping hints to your boyfriend, show him ring brochures for fun, telling him my 1874 friends got married this year, etc. He is not going to propose till he really wants to marry you so spare yourself the trouble. It’s acceptable when the biological clock is ticking, but not when you’re really young na? Just cut men some slack???  If it’s meant to be, it will happen, so just relax.

     

         The trump card!!!!

Okay I accept it, I have done this cardinal sin too. Women are sensitive, really sensitive. Men gotta accept this truth first. But crying for everything under the sun is not a pretty thing. It’s irritating. It’s ok if he said something mean, men really don’t mean to be mean. So many ‘Ms’. Moving on. Being mean is our forte no? Don’t rant about things he said a fortnight ago. It’s ok. Anything men say is null and void within 24 hours. They have a memory span of a little hamster (not goldfish because it's a myth that it has a memory span of 3 seconds, it's 3 months actually). Use it to your advantage. They pull your leg coz they like you, don’t take out the sword for that. Take his jokes with a pinch of salt and tequila. Pull his leg instead. It will be fun. And please ladies, spare him the horror of gossip. You have gal pals for that no? He really doesn't care which friend of yours got fat, who is spending how much on her wedding trousseau, who is the bitch and who is the bechari. HE REALLY DOESN'T CARE!!!!! 

         Jerk is the love of your life?? Friend zoned the nice guy???

You want true love? You want a nice guy. He is right out there. You friend zoned him because he is nice to you, because he cares for you, he probably even loves you. He just wants to see you happy so he entertains your ranting when you fight with the jerk you are in a relationship with. Grow up girls. Don’t go after jerks. They are simply not worth it!!!! And just don’t fear to walk out of a relationship if it hurts you; trust me there is nothing wrong in being single. You will not be arrested. Be with someone you can feel secure and comfortable with. Be with someone who you don't need to put up a facade with.

         Get a life ladies!!!!

Taking relationships and men as the whole life and not just a part of it is the worst sin women commit. Don't be around him all the time through physical presence or the electronic means of communication. Too technical man. Moving on. It's not necessary to ping him every time you see him online just because you are dating him. And please Facbook has no vital role in the relationship. It's not acceptable to fight over comments, likes and friend requests unless you are 13.  Even men lose respect for you if they are the only agenda in your life, trust me!!! I am not saying act pricey but come on, how difficult is it to get a life and space of your own? A space where your guy is not there? You don’t have to ask him to accompany you everywhere you go na? And if a guy does accompany you everywhere he is a pakka vehla. Dump him now!!!

         Little things matter the most J

Okay so he is not Mr Gerry from P.S I love you or Mr Noah from The Notebook. He is not Jordan from Rockstar (I love him ok?). But he still loves you right???  Just appreciate the little things he does for you. Don’t get judgemental on everything he does for you. Don’t compare. Don’t expect too much. And you will be pleasantly surprised. They may not be the smooth talking heroes straight out of Rom Coms and chick flicks. They are real men. Just appreciate them for their honesty J.

P.S Any questions or jokes about my relationship status will not be entertained :D