Now everyone can fly, without Red Bull!

With the recent event of a South Asian Airlne service (No, not that one, don’t worry) launching low cost domestic and international flights in India, I am expecting a humongous crowd flocking to it. By humongous crowd I don’t mean Dadar Station, locals will be hellish as always, no good news there. More than the mango people, I am actually expecting a Kingfisher kind of a crowd wanting to avail this on a desperate level. Why Kingfisher, you ask? It’s because we are too snooty to travel in a train and too stingy to travel by Jet Air.  Also known as the rassi jal gayi par bal nahi gaya types.  We as in I include myself as well, are such bitches and dawgs who would come up with jokes even if we are given free tickets on an Emirates or Lufthansa flight. We are so evil that we wouldn't mind paying few extra bucks to travel by Air India only to get some material for humor. And yeah, we will keep doing this. So some of the things that may happen (may okay? I didn't say will) if we go the railways way for flights.

• We will have to start booking for our 2016 flights now. I mean right now.
• We will have 10027 Mumbai-Delhi Up and 10026 Delhi-Mumbai Down flights.
• The only choice of seats would be Cramped up at a window, Cramped up at aisle, Cramped up at middle. (This is coming from a 5’10” girl).
• There will be a Ladies and Senior citizen quota that will not make a difference.
• There will be a Tatkal service that will bring out the Hulk in every Bruce Banner out there.
• And the inner Hulk will smash the keyboard at least once when Makemytrip and Cleartrip will show Service Unavailable after logging in.
• There is a bright possibility of seeing WL2366/WL997 and feeling flabbergasted as to why would someone book after WL100? Height of optimism.
• Travel booking portals will give 50 Rs off on domestic flights and lodges coupons. And still terms and conditions would apply.
• We will be able to successfully book your ticket after investing  5 hours, One pack of Marlboro Lights and a bottle of Old Monk.
• No boarding passes for Wait Listed passengers. They will have to do jugaad with the Airline counter at the airport.
• Instead of tags, we will get stickers sponsored by Bank of India or Vicco
• There will be no limit to check-in baggage, because they are aware that even if they set a limit, we will still carry bags big enough to fit our grandparents inside for a one week trip.
• No limit to cabin baggage as well to allow every passenger to smack the faces of the seated aisle passengers with their big ass bags.
• We will be asked to reach at least 10 minutes before the plane leaves the runway. Those 10 minutes are allotted to buy Bisleri and Filmfare from the aerobridge before we board.
• We will be allowed to carry Milton water coolers and Ludo board game.
• For security checking, there will only be one metal detector present and we can choose whether to walk through to it or not. We are all good people. The plane people know it.
• Once we board our economy level flight of economy flights, we will be greeted by nobody.
• We will hear Khoya Khoya Chand lounge music inside the cabin, or if we are in luck, Hotel California.
• If we manage to get a window seat, a shameless pot bellied uncle would be already sitting there thinking jab aayega tab dekhenge, abhi baith jaata hu.
• If we are sitting near the emergency exit i.e. Apatkalin Dwar, the stewardess will not come and tell us what to do. Because the window will be red with a glass case for a hammer next to it. The hammer would be missing to scare the daylights out of us.
• Once everybody settles in their seats, there will be one stewardess wearing leggings and kurta giving safety instructions.
• The stewardess will give the safety instructions in the regional language. Like, Tumcha seat cha khaali aani varti kaahich naahi. Oxygen level zar kami jhala tar vitthalache nav ghya  OR Ee flight vellathil mungya guruvayurappane villikka, seatinde adiyil jacket onnum illya. Pinne belt ketti vekka, namade pilot number one kudiyan aanu.
• The seat belts would be made of Velcro.
• The stewardess will actually end the safety instructions with this joke “Aage do dwaar, peeche do dwaar, dono nahi khule, toh Haridwar” and then wink at us.
• We shall be asked to switch off our cell phones and all other devices. We will still sneakily use it because nobody will give a damn.
• The flight will take off 30 minutes late and the lavatory will have a queue outside even on the shortest 35 minutes Mumbai-Pune flight.
• In the back of our seat pockets there will be a brochure of airlines with a “wide selection of refreshments” priced 2 Rs less than the M.R.P of course. We can have bread butter and bread jam with tea, coffee and rasna sponsored by Kissan. Meals will be sponsored by Anand Bhavan. Lassi and Chhas by Amul.
• Once you are done the stewards will come to you with Rajnigandha and a tray full of tips that they had put themselves to get the ball rolling.
• The flight will land 30 minutes late by default because it will be last carrier to get the landing permission. We may also have to walk at the runway a little because it may not exactly stop near the aerobridge.
• And lastly, there will be a fleet of attendants who would fling your bags at you from the base of the plane because the stoppage is only for 10 minutes.

Either ways it's going to make travelling easy for impatient weirdos like me who cannot sit quietly for more than an hour. Because you know, Banglaore-Goa for Rs 990 is not bad at all! Too bad this is after the goafest (sorry Indian Madmen).

P. S. If I have offended someone in this post then my job here is done.

Laters!

Review of The Xposé :- Violation of your Intellectual Property

P.S. Himesh gave the music, story, money and the sex appeal to this movie. Which means he was pregnant with this movie and when the movie came out, so did the extra flab.

Irrfan Khan enters on a melancholic note in a deserted theater. Breaking away from all stereotypes his name is Alec and he wears a fedora. He looks stoned and broke. That’s all you need to you know about him. In a Mumbai autowaala se bhi worst accent, he goes back in 1968 where a heroine in a red dress is pushed off a building. Cut to her funeral scene where the characters are introduced one by one. The good cop bad cop/ aadhi nangi and puri nangi heroines, Sonali Raut and Zara Afroz respectively. They are roomies and they both hate each other. This is news that 2 girls don’t get along. Some generic aunty is the landlord/manager/caretaker to the good girl once she moves to the bungalow. Next in line is the director himself Anant Mahadevan who plays, guess? A director! Collectively shaming all the directors both dead and alive, Anant Mahadevan is a South import who makes it big (no pun intended) in Bollywood. Then enters our very own Blues/Jazz/Dandiya crooner...Himess Bhai!!  He plays an anorexic cop (lolmax). Like every Bollywood cop he wears a fake black Ray Ban aviator. But hey, he wears it at night, during rains, inside the police station and maybe even when he poops. He has serious temper issues and is known as the “paagal of the police peepals”. We all agree to half of that sentence. He holds a cigarette but doesn't smoke it. Bola na, paagal hai!  He gets suspended from shooting an MLA (kejru alert) coz Gussa aa gaya tha. So after only one and half years in jail he is set free. And for some reason Anant signs him up for a movie. So the mad cop, who refers to raja ka nanga beta to declare his grandeur, is transformed into Blue blazer-Yellow Pants-Rainbow Aviators-Tamil puking actor. Cut to a couple of insignificant people who I don’t feel like writing about. Then enters, the man himself, torch bearer for Delhi NCR, mascot of all the Gurgaon boys you ever wanted to slap the shit out of, Mr One-Yo-is-not-cool-enough-so-I-have-two-Yos-in-my-name Honey Singaaaaa. Unlike his songs, here in the movie, there is no statuary warning issued that he is present so you can run away. He is a lecherous looking music composer notorious for selling same tunes to different directors or as we popularly know, Anu Malik.  Jesse Randhawa plays his girlfriend who makes parallel cinema. She is dusky, tall and her hair is cropped so you believe this parallel cinema has to be an intellectual thing she does.  Then, enters a baniya looking cop in the next scene who says heroine ko dhakka maara hai, it’s a murder. Thank you for telling us, we were assuming she was measuring the height of the building by jumping down with a tape. The story begins by a collage of all these annoying turd faces into a single frame, which secretly means one of them is the killer.

Himesh Bhai has a sautela bhai who did him wrong. Please don’t ask me how. My attention span is worse than a hummingbird. He looks constipated and bleached throughout the movie for some reason. The story moves on to the shooting of a Hindi film where Himess reaches late coz he is not a hero but a superhero (somewhere Ironman, Superman, Batman and Captain America died a little inside). He doesn't rehearse, never puts on makeup,q never follows the script, doesn't shake hands and generally is not civil. In short, he plays a cocky son of a bitch who mouths corny dialogues instead of normal conversation. This will remind you of Akshay Kumar from Once upon a time in Mumbai Dobara. Cut to the slutty heroine accusing Mr Yo Yo ji of using her so he makes an I-AM-A-PIMP face and asks her to go to hell. Mr Yo Yo ji says sorry with a Dairy Milk and proposes to Jesse ji in a way that every girl will remove that part of a love story from her wish list forever. So next, on one side of the set, Himes, another shah bhai and slutty heroine are shooting for Ujwal Nirmal Sheetal (I know you all are thinking about that white saree scene now) and on the other side; good heroine is shooting for another film Reena Mera Naam. There is a fire on that set and Himes bhai rushes there to save the good heroine. Now the good heroine is so mad in love that she quits smoking for him. But Himes who is also in love continues to hold an unlit cigarette throughout coz he is simply mad.

Yo Yo is now caught because he gave the same music for two films and he laughs like a lunatic. I don’t know why. You also please don’t try and figure out why. Now both the shitty films release on the same day. In spite of the transparent wet white saree playing the lead in the movie, Ujwal Nirmal Sheetal flops because the director of the other movie plays dirty tactics with the help of Irrfan Khan. Now, a very angry Himes bhai calls up that director and threatens him by telling him a medical condition he has, he pees more blood than the director has in his body. (UTI, bro). Now there is a post award The Great Gatsbhai themed party where the slutty heroine seduces Himes. He tells her he is a 40 year old virgin like Salman and refuses to even friend zone her. Then begins a song where everyone looks high as shit and dancing to ice cream khaungi. (I am trying hard to not crack jokes on that). Courtesy puraani dushmani, the actresses trash talk and start a catfight (yay!) and the good girl’s ex breaks it up (nay). Cut to the scene where the slutty heroine falls off the roof. We have come to the beginning now. Now this scene has been played over 300 times in the move for no reason. Next we see the funeral scene again where her coffin is buried in the graveyard. The coffin looks like it has been designed by Maganlal Dresswala. The question arises, who did it? Who? Do I give a shit? Obviously No!

Now I dare you to watch this movie. I double dare you to watch it till the end because I didn't. If you manage to sit till the end and tell me who did it, I promise I will take you out for dinner. If you are a fan of Himesh or Yo Yo for any reason, I will take you to a shrink

P.S. My guess is, that the killer is the person who doesn't wear a Fedora. Now go figure. 

Why I can't face Facebook anymore.....

Welcome aboard to my futile, never-ending ranting about cool things. Yes, you heard it right. I hate FACEBOOK. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. The social networking frenzy which was an addiction before has now simply turned to one of the modern day monsters, ripping people off their ethics and common sense. Why so bitter Priyanka??? That's because I log in to my Facebook account to catch up with friends, share some pictures or videos but I am made to go through experiences that one has in a past life analysis. Read on, you'll know.  

      1.   It effing changes......every minute!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why the hell does this frigging thing change by the minute will always stay a mystery to me. An unresolved bloody mystery that even Lord Voldemort couldn't think of. The minute you get comfortable with the interface, they introduce hidden buttons, hidden tabs, hidden monsters etc. And you spend 1/3^rd of your day, trying to figure how to use the new features and voila, it changes again. They now have video chat which will pop up and catch u in the worst of your face when you are hogging on Oreos (which is what I am doing right now) and ensure you never get a video call from the same person. New features added to chat, messages, and tiny popup messages which according to me say “Did you know ?? Now Facebook has this brand new shit which I can bet my ass on that you will never figure out, boo hoo to you, little retarded noob “.

      2.   The apps requests I get...nuff said.

Oh, I bet most of you out there are sick of the shit load of game requests people send. I know, I know most of them don’t even know how it just gets posted on to people’s walls. But seriously, how do people even land up on such pages and apps???? STILL???? Love percentage, marriage date; next kiss date, next pee schedule, etc. Are you consulting Facebook for life's milestones?  Photo of the day, friend of the day, stalker of the day, burglar of the day.... F*ck enough man!!!!! I know Farmville was at a time the best remedy for dealing with emotional crises but still??? I am sure most of my crops have snakes slithering on them and my farm animals must have turned into vampires since I realized I am an adult. And btw, who is such the dumbass that came up with Glassdoor???  WHO THE HELL CONNECTS PROFESSIONALLY ON FACEBOOK???? One more Glassdoor request and I am going to smash it on the sender’s face.

      3.   Status-Having fun at xyz’s house, not enough fun to get log the f**k off Facebook though.

      Photos-Only 2377 pictures of you gulping pint after pint at a friend’s house.

Why people why???? Can’t you just go to a place to relax and hang out??? Is it really the need of the hour to click pictures from every angle possible?? You want to click for memories??? Do that. But why are you spamming people with them??? Putting out statuses about hanging out at a club, local grocery store, at the kennel of your neighbour’s dog is not cool. It is clearly obvious nobody is talking to you and you’re a loner out there.

The duck face shit strewn all over Facebook. Semi naked chicks posting pictures taken in their bedrooms and bathrooms are a rage. There will be about 300 likes and 200 comments with lots of muaaahhhh, awwwws, bhowwwws, never mind.  The heart and kiss symbol thrown in by every girl with the kewl lingo makes me shut my lappy like Ranbir Kapoor in the Ultrabook ad. That is the only way they can look cool it seems. Please get a life.

      4.   Groups, lists, battalions, army....F**K!!!!  Give me a break!!!

I am sick of the friend "sorting" Facebook does. I don’t want to create 100 lists and categorize my friends. I am not Monica from FRIENDS. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT!!! I am happy with knowing I have only friends and acquaintances in my list, why the hell should I sort them into close friends, good friends, school friends, college psychos and potential killers???  I will not, so get lost!!!

Groups are the things that drive me to the wall. Firstly, did u ask me before adding me there??? What if I am not into neighbourhood soccer suckers?  I am not into that shit, don’t you get it? Its okay if you add me, I mean it has a rude option to “Leave the group” with a door thingy. I find it rude okay?? You force me to storm out of the group by posting incessantly every hour. I get a notification about it every minute!!!!  Else, the annoying group chat pops up and I sit there witnessing people I don’t know or care about flirting, fighting and trolling.

      5.   The like if you get, share if you care, post if you dare, 1 $ for every share....What is the option of not giving a tiny rat’s ass???

I am sick of pictures shared by emo pages like I will love you till the end, You are only mine, I am a retard, etc .They say, like if you agree, share if you agree and the worst part is, like if you GET it. Why wouldn’t I GET IT you freaking idiot??? You think I am caveman with a club in his hand and a beehive for hair sitting with a laptop I stole from the city??? I do get the sad or “funny” thing you just posted but I have better things to do than liking and sharing it.

Also, the gory, mutilated, bloated, tampered pictures of sick people and babies all around the world makes me want to poke my eyes till I go blind. Seriously, I very well know half of them are doctored to increase web trafficking, yet they are depressing. I would rather watch India TV news channel since they are masters of exaggeration. 1 $ for every share is the shittiest thing I’ve ever heard. Please stop playing around with people’s emotions.  Also what is with the LONG, REALLY LONG stories about two lovers either dying and the soul searching??? 

6.   It's breaking relationships. Really :(

Today, if you are really serious about your guy/girl, the ultimate plunge is updating your Facebook relationship status. Yes, you heard it right. Couples fight, cry, argue and even break up over this silly thing. I have never understood why it is so important, especially for girls. And guys keep looking out for better options on Facebook and cheat on their girlfriends "technologically". The hottie from Chandigarh wearing revealing is-it-there-or-is-it-not-there skirt is the sensation among  all her friends. you talk to her and you end up alone. Finished. Sad. Just SAD.

7.   The "SECURITY"......

Facebook security and sharing filters is nothing short of a heritage Fort. You can hide it from a, show it to b, show it later to c...what not!!!! This feature is known to about 20% of the people which is saddest part. Also, if you're account is so secure, why do I still keep getting friends requests from distant countries with messages like "I may or may not be a man of your taste but your beauty is such that will enchant any man" from a 60 year old man????? Point to ponder upon........

Tips for young people to become normal

You are the future of the nation. You are the most powerful resource of the country unless you are an engineering student. Then you are just a goon in making. I am talking about YOUTH. Some tips listed for you people to realise what ”YOUTH”  is not about and help you not behave like something that rhymes with it ;)

      1.       It’s my...repeat after me you little retarded monkeys....it’s not mah...it’s my...

Saying ma for my, just looks like a faux attempt at proving how much you love your mother. Seriously guys and gals, have you never been to a proper school??? Are you so oblivious to the concept of grammar and pronunciation??? (Once again someone says “pronOUnciation” I will slap the shit out of them) Why do you tawk lyk dis? Are dyslexic? Are you blind? Do you just smash your forehead on the keyboard instead of typing? I swear I feel like throwing a copy of The Wren and Martin on your face when I see the mass murder of English language like this.

      2.       You are LOLing...OMGing....BRBing...WTFing...I am boiling....

You have serious issues here okay? What the heck is saying LOL when someone says something funny? Are you a seal? No maybe you are a pig? Laugh no, you numb heads. Why do you have to say LOL?????? OMG ??? WTF????  Please talk to me just once, I will tell u how to say the complete sentence with utmost aghast. It is more liberating you see.

      3.       Pull up your pants....Pull down the top....please!!!!!

Yes please. Wear your clothes the way they are meant to be worn. I don’t care if you’re a Calvin Klein fan or a Rupa chaddi fan. I frigging don’t want to see your Grand Canyon. And girls, I don’t want to either of your Grand Canyons.  I don’t want to see cellulite oozing thighs. I don’t want to see huge bellies and asses bulging out of poor little denim cages who can’t contain them. Even if you have a great body, why on earth are you flaunting it for no apparent reason? There is a time and place for it. Don’t expose inappropriately. Why can’t you dress up like a sane person? Just go full Monty if the clothes bother u so much. Much easier to achieve what you want.

      4.       You look like a crossbreed of peacock and a diseased rooster.

The macaw hairstyles, neon coloured extensions and highlights, the weird facial hairstyles, etc. All this reminds me of roosters who mated with peacocks and produced off springs like you. You look UGLY, HORRIBLE, And STUPID. There it is. I have burst the bubble??? Go frigging get a normal person haircut. Girls, what is with the weird rainbow makeup???? You know if someone hurls a bucket of water on your face you will look like a colour palette that was washed ashore by Tsunami. Get your frigging brains repaired. YOU LOOK UGLY. SIMPLY UGLY.

      5.       What is life without Gizmos??? Facebook and Twitter??? Worth living.....

Bunch of kids with Playstations and Ipads make me cringe to no end.  What the hell is wrong with you people? Haven’t you heard of outdoor games? Do you even know what sky looks like? Do you know how to run or play? Off course you don’t because you are busy moon walking to faux coolness. Yes, there is a life beyond social networking sites. I have seen people going to gatherings just to click pictures and upload them on Facebook or update a status like having so much fun at the party. If you’re frigging enjoying so much, why the hell are you on your smart phone? And for your information, nobody wants to see 347 pictures of the last night barbeque with friends. People prove their love by over mushy picture indulging in PDA and by CHANGING their relationship status. Such a wannabe thing to do I swear!!!!

      6.       Get your act together. Don’t go with the herd unless you are a cow....

Seriously, bitches that pretend to be a storehouse of wisdom will get you shot. If following socialist hotties is your thing, go with Brinda Karat. The worst that might happen then is you will have no friends left. When the hell did Paulo Coelho become the must read author to prove your intellectual chops?  Don’t stick your stupid Facebook and twitter profiles with Paulo Coelho as your favourite author. It just tells me you don’t really read and just bought one at a train station because everyone seemed to have one. Personally, I swear I don’t read books and I have said that honestly on my Facebook profile. And I am not considered a retard because I don’t read.

      7.       Stop giving a damn about the EPL , IPL and also CPL, u might get a GP....never mind....

Nobody, I repeat, NOBODY cares if you’re supporting Man U or Barca. KKR or MI. They’re not YOUR team and their success doesn’t mean that YOU won. No matter how many jerseys you buy from a trip to Thailand or Bandra, no matter how many soccer shoes you buy and wear at inappropriate places.  They won’t pick u in the team.  Enjoy watching the game, get competitive, play football like hell in your REAL life, its cooler. Find some other goddamn purpose in life than tweet about players whose names you can’t pronounce and who you’ve only been exposed to in FIFA 2007.

      8.       Commitment phobic??? So is everyone right?

Yup it’s true. Not believing in love is the latest thing to do. Friends with all kinds of benefits are around so who needs a companion??? Who needs commitment???  Who can actually LOVE someone??? Seriously you idiotic kids who don’t believe in the institution of marriage, you will die alone on a rocking chair with your macaw gelled grey hair and a Blackberry in the hand.

      9.       You booze, you fag and you get stoned every Saturday night? Wow your parents are really lucky!!!!!

True isn’t it?? You can’t be cool if you are teetotaller??? You can’t be cool if you don’t do drugs??? Fagging helps relieve stress??? Hookah parlours need regular attendance from you??? Say no friends. Don’t give in to pressure. Understand what this abuse will do to your body in the long run.

     10.   You are here only because your parents wanted to.

Don’t insult your parents. They may not be a gizmo freak retard like you but they are still parents. They endure your bull shit only because they love you to the core. You will land nowhere if u disrespect them.

Department-The funniest movie of the year

First things first, this review is nothing like a professional or an unbiased review. So don’t expect me to be nice. This post is actually my frustration jotted down in a very subtle way. Trust me, very subtle. I missed an exotic lunch for this. I wasted 3 precious hours of my life for this. I gave up watching Ishaqzaade for this. I risked my mental peace simply because I used to be a diehard RGV movie fan. Sadly, neither I am a RGV fan anymore nor a Sanjay Dutt fan. Curtains came down for me today.

This film starts off with Inspector Shivnarayan (Rana Daggubatti), an encounter specialist, running in slow motion wearing a police uniform, giving u a feeling of multiple déjà vu. There is a loud fight scene and then the movie moves on to Mahadev Bhosale (Sanjay Dutt), the DSP of an encounter squad. Again, there is a loud fight scene in a bar/naked stoned chicks dancing place. By now, if your ear drums are intact, the movie moves on to a weird man talking in the background about Mumbai and a shootout scene at Juhu beach. Shivnarayan is suspended and Mahadev asks him to join the department. Honestly speaking, if you really don’t concentrate like you did in your math classes, you are never going to figure out which department this is. I’ll tell you, they do dishum dishum and dhichkau dhichkau. That’s the frigging department. You’re welcome for the valuable piece of information I shared. Anyways. Moving on, somewhere in the background, there are 2 poor ladies thrown in the movie, Bharati (Anjana Sukhani) as Shivnarayan's wife and Padmini (Lakshmi Manchu) as Mrs Mahadev Bhosale. Their only screen space in the movie is to make dinner and dialogues like “uff aap sirf kaam ki baatein karte rahoge kya??” which are effed up and clichéd to the core. Also, they provide moral cleansing speeches in the movie. Moving on, the cops start the baddie hunting and killings. Cut to Sawatya (Vijay Raaz), a semi clad Mumbai Don, who by the way is the most malnourished don ever. EVER. His henchman is D.K. (Abhimanyu Singh) and his gun moll Naseer (Madhu Shalini) who is a really filthy looking creature, not a girl, CREATURE. The Sawatya gang scenes are insanely hilarious; they talk like struggling dons from UP somehow adapting to the life in Mumbai and the city’s accent. Cut to Mr Sarjerao Gaikwad, a gangster-turned politician played by the living legend (I am still in tears for RGV wasting an actor like him). How could Mr Bacchan stoop to such a level? Was he kidnapped and threatened to do this movie?? Maybe. He should end this friendship favors immediately. RGV is killing his career(remember RGV ki aag?? okay okay don't cry now, it's okay) . Mr Sarjerao walks with his hands on the waist like a Assamese Bihu dancer and ties a bell around his hand which keeps reminding you what to say when people ask “movie achha tha kya?”  The moral tiff between Mahadev and Shivnarayan takes the film to a different tangent and then you lose like what is 20 years of your life. The movie just drags. Horribly long. One spoiler, you are not going to see the true villain till the end, which makes you want to shoot yourself right in the head. The ending was very predictable though I don’t know who is going to have the threshold to hold on till the end. That person will get a special standing ovation and a round of slow clap from me. Promise!!!!

The camera work is pathetic. It moves so much and pans deep into tea cups, shoes, chairs, eyes, foot, toenails, also on every objectionable place in the body. It gives you migraine attacks because the camera keeps moving and makes your head spin for no apparent reason. The fight scenes make you laugh like hell. The item song about sugar girl is irritating and she dances as though she get convulsions by the second. The semi naked mad woman gives a nirvana expression when she is passed around like a plate of appetizers by men. Nauseating.The cuss words in the movie are very less compared to the cuss words I hurled at the screen. The song with Ganesh Acharya made me almost cry. He looks like rotten, darkened Bappi Lehari in it. There are some dirty scenes in the movie with Abhimanyu Singh and the moll girl/slut that makes you throw up; I really wanted to ask for a paper bag in the movie. The surprise package is Deepak Tijori, with only three fourth of his eyebrows and beautiful kajal adorned eyes. The dialogues seem like written by someone with some imbalance in the grey cells with a sole ambition of screwing the audience's senses. There is one which is "duniya mein sirf do tarah ke log hote hai, ek samajhdar aur dusre ch*****". After paying money for this movie, you discover which category you belong to. Sanjay Dutt disappoints you horribly and all you want to do is grab him by the neck, hurl him somewhere and show him Vastav on a DVD. Rana Daggubatti has made an honest effort to save the movie which falls flat on the face. Someway I am going to hunt RGV down, pluck each of his hair out, make him bald and take 300 bucks from him. To tell him what slow pain is and how you feel when you pay for it. Horrible man. He is going to hell for sure.

Final Verdict: Honestly speaking this movie is insanely hilarious in a sadly unintentional way. I’ve never had so much fun in a movie theatre and never have I behaved like a tapoori yelling bhag jaa saale kutte every 2 seconds. (Other cuss words spoken cannot be mentioned here) Don’t watch it even if you are being taken away on a gun point. Dying is better. I swear!!!

P.S (For girls) Rana looks incredibly hot in the movie. Every scene he is on, is a treat for the eyes. Paisa wasool girls (wink wink).
P.S (For all) Anybody helping me to marry Rana Daggubatti will get half the amount of gold that I am going to wear on the wedding day. Thank you.

Relationship-A ship that you voluntarily get on even though you know it drowns you

“Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage”-Ambrose Bierce

Being in a relationship is so clichéd that it takes away every ounce of sense you have. It makes you impractical, insecure and negative. Initially everything seems like the Mills and Boons sagas, later comes the real Pyaar ka Panchnama. Stuff I have written in this post is something that I have observed over my few years of existence and being an agony aunt for my friends. Consider this as my long due ranting about gals and guys who mess up their relationships. THEY PISS ME OFF!!!!!

Disclaimer -The following points contain some harsh hitting truths. Readers addicted to movies like The notebook are advised not to read any further. Also, anybody differing from the stuff written here can go fly a kite :D

Mantal Bwoyz

“The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for women and around thirty-seven for men”-Aristotle

Okay I am being a feminist here but I’ll start with the boys first. Sorry to all my friends out there but no matter how much you guys bully me that girls are the combatants in a relationship, I do beg to differ that we are not the only ones.

           You love challenges....only!!!

Yup boys, it’s true. You guys need to chase the girl. You guys are accustomed to rejection so much that anything that comes easy to you is worthless. Until and unless a girl throws tantrums, she is not desirable to you. Classic case is our Archie, Betty and Veronica. In the end the rich snobbish bitch gets the guy. The girl next door stays indoors and just cries!!!
P.S Any resemblance of the above content to the blogger will be entertained with exotic cuss words. Thank You.

         You guys pretend to be insensitive!!!!

What is wrong in crying? What is wrong in expressing? What is wrong in being sensitive to things? What is wrong in being hurt and admitting to it?  It questions your masculinity??? Your testosterones have to be at the surface level to prove that you are the “MAN”. And you hate it whe we cry at the movies. That is not going to change, so go take a hike.

         You have never understood women....you never will...

We have annoying little habits. Yes we talk a lot. Yes we tend to get neurotic at times. Yes we get jealous like hell when you even talk to some girl. Yes we do keep making plans about “us”. Yes we do that because we love you. You guys just call women obsessive if they care and a stone if they don’t. So what the hell are we supposed to do???

         Commitment phobic?

Why do you guys feel we have a gun and a wedding ring in our pockets??? Why do you guys feel we are going to gag you up and force you down the aisle??? No, we are really not always putting ourselves out there and making marriage plans with you guys. We also prefer living in the moment and see how things go. And I am talking about sensible women out here ok? Not the ones straight out of a Karan Johar or Yash Chopra movie.

         Insecurity and chauvinism?

This is the one trait in men that drives me up the wall.  Women are pretty objects and they supposed to be the same all their lives. They can’t have brains. They can’t have a sense of humour. They can’t have career goals. They can’t be a techie or a geek. A woman is desirable if she is smart, but not if she is smart”er” than a man. Then you bring her down by reaffirming the fact that the place of a woman is in the kitchen. But guys please remember there are knives, rolling pin, pans and BUTCHER'S KNIFE in the kitchen so beware when the woman is pissed off and comes out of the kitchen :D
P.S Any guy out there saying that he prefers equality in gender is most welcome to talk to me for half an hour and I will bring out the hidden chauvinist in him :D

         Little things we love J(Sentiness expressed here)

All women aren’t gold or platinum wedding band diggers, my bros. Even a small candy bar makes us happy just because you get it for us. We don’t want you to remember every little detail but we want you guys to remember how much you love us. We don’t want a routine attendance phone call every day. The occasional cute texts and calls when you really want to talk to us make us happy. And no unlike what most of my friends think, women are not going to exchange every gift you give her and get a better one :D Dedicate songs, care about her feelings, and just listen to her when she is mad. Women just need to feel special. That’s all J 

Bawli Chhoriyan

“Women-can’t live with them or bury them in the backyard without the neighbours seeing”-Sean Williamson

Ahhh now the boys are going to love this part. I am so sorry my gal pals, but this is the truth whether you lasses agree with me or not. Hope this brings in some enlightenment for you.

         You want to be a mom or a girlfriend???!!!!!

Yes we all do that. Where are you? Why aren’t you home yet? Why are you smoking/drinking? Why are you with that trouble maker friend? Why aren’t you focussing on your career/studies? Why don’t you get serious in life? Why do you wear that shirt? Why don’t you change your hairstyle? Why do you breathe every 0.2245 nanoseconds? SHIT give them a break!!!!! They get enough of this at home, they need a companion, not a caretaker.

         Marriage is a part of life and NOT the reason for existence!!!!!

Yes girls it’s truly not. Live in the moment no? Why do you start planning the future the minute you start dating someone. It is not acceptable if you keep dropping hints to your boyfriend, show him ring brochures for fun, telling him my 1874 friends got married this year, etc. He is not going to propose till he really wants to marry you so spare yourself the trouble. It’s acceptable when the biological clock is ticking, but not when you’re really young na? Just cut men some slack???  If it’s meant to be, it will happen, so just relax.

     

         The trump card!!!!

Okay I accept it, I have done this cardinal sin too. Women are sensitive, really sensitive. Men gotta accept this truth first. But crying for everything under the sun is not a pretty thing. It’s irritating. It’s ok if he said something mean, men really don’t mean to be mean. So many ‘Ms’. Moving on. Being mean is our forte no? Don’t rant about things he said a fortnight ago. It’s ok. Anything men say is null and void within 24 hours. They have a memory span of a little hamster (not goldfish because it's a myth that it has a memory span of 3 seconds, it's 3 months actually). Use it to your advantage. They pull your leg coz they like you, don’t take out the sword for that. Take his jokes with a pinch of salt and tequila. Pull his leg instead. It will be fun. And please ladies, spare him the horror of gossip. You have gal pals for that no? He really doesn't care which friend of yours got fat, who is spending how much on her wedding trousseau, who is the bitch and who is the bechari. HE REALLY DOESN'T CARE!!!!! 

         Jerk is the love of your life?? Friend zoned the nice guy???

You want true love? You want a nice guy. He is right out there. You friend zoned him because he is nice to you, because he cares for you, he probably even loves you. He just wants to see you happy so he entertains your ranting when you fight with the jerk you are in a relationship with. Grow up girls. Don’t go after jerks. They are simply not worth it!!!! And just don’t fear to walk out of a relationship if it hurts you; trust me there is nothing wrong in being single. You will not be arrested. Be with someone you can feel secure and comfortable with. Be with someone who you don't need to put up a facade with.

         Get a life ladies!!!!

Taking relationships and men as the whole life and not just a part of it is the worst sin women commit. Don't be around him all the time through physical presence or the electronic means of communication. Too technical man. Moving on. It's not necessary to ping him every time you see him online just because you are dating him. And please Facbook has no vital role in the relationship. It's not acceptable to fight over comments, likes and friend requests unless you are 13.  Even men lose respect for you if they are the only agenda in your life, trust me!!! I am not saying act pricey but come on, how difficult is it to get a life and space of your own? A space where your guy is not there? You don’t have to ask him to accompany you everywhere you go na? And if a guy does accompany you everywhere he is a pakka vehla. Dump him now!!!

         Little things matter the most J

Okay so he is not Mr Gerry from P.S I love you or Mr Noah from The Notebook. He is not Jordan from Rockstar (I love him ok?). But he still loves you right???  Just appreciate the little things he does for you. Don’t get judgemental on everything he does for you. Don’t compare. Don’t expect too much. And you will be pleasantly surprised. They may not be the smooth talking heroes straight out of Rom Coms and chick flicks. They are real men. Just appreciate them for their honesty J.

P.S Any questions or jokes about my relationship status will not be entertained :D

GYM- A tale of the freak and the feeble

Obviously I have only been to the gyms that are either unisex or for women only so I have no idea about the men’s gyms. Once you reach a gym, you ensure to look your best and have a super confident aura about yourself. At the lobby you ask a pleasant beautiful lady for different weight loss programs and she suggests pehle aapka weight dekhle??? Then you tread slowly towards the weighing scale with a heavy heart regretting every ounce of cheese and every sip of cola you didn’t refuse. And then bang, the lobby ki item makes a scary face. She takes you back to the lobby and convinces you to go for an expensive package by telling you how badly you need it. Then you see how the money goes flying to their accounts coz you weren’t disciplined.  Crap!!!!

And then there is s session with a nutritionist where your diet is ripped apart. Grain by grain you note down what you eat. She makes a face for everything you love and asks you to quit it. Once you are done you go home and start the “diet”. First day seems really easy trust me. You shun all the carbs and sweets from you fridge, later realising it’s already in your tummy :D You start hunting for Quaker oats, green tea, skimmed milk, flak seeds and green vegetables all over your neighbourhood supermarkets. These things are necessary for a balanced diet for losing weight.

Next comes the first day of your work out. You walk in like a legend with your track pants, tee and a new pair of shoes. A full sipper of water and a towel hoping you will sweat like hell. You look out for your trainer, he comes and greets you with a warm smile and asks start kare? Your enthusiasm is at peak, you walk inside the gym area. He asks you to do some warm up first. Easy na? Then you start with cardio, not a problem at all (btw the music makes it so much fun). Once you are walking, your mind wanders and you look around. You see a very fit girl running with her ear phones on, you look away cursing yourself. You look again, you see a very fat aunty sweating profusely and walking on the treadmill. Feeling good about yourself you look around more. There are cute guys doing weights which distracts me the most actually :D Then you get inspired and focus a little more in your workout.  There is a weird rowing machine which looks absolutely stupid to me. I hated it the most. You look like you are rowing a boat in a dry lake and paying money for it. The cycle is fun and the stepper is the best, it burns calories the fastest. Then there are some uncles running like freaks. Looking at them you feel probably they had tortured hamsters in their previous birth and they are paying for it now.

The weights are the scariest part of working out. Some instruments knock the daylights off you.  There are about 39 types of workout types. I don’t remember any of them. Some machines make u sit in weird embarrassing postures. And those squats, you can so not get them right without embarrassing yourself. T he mat you lie down on is not meant to relax for more than 170 seconds. Unlike most of the people, I absolutely love doing crunches :P but u can’t feel u have an abdomen after a couple of hours still...I LOVE IT!!! And btw that big ball is not meant to play “catch catch” with (I was so disappointed).  After the weight session you have to sign your record with the trainer, my sign is actually nothing like what I signed with my post-workout-numb-with-pain hands. Once you are done with this you go home and relax. You feel I am already thin yaar, gym works. And then.......the pain.....your limbs get stuck up, they can’t move. You start walking like a lame funny duck. You have to explain everyone what is wrong with you and then everybody laughs at you *wipes away tears*. You go back to your trainer in the next session, he asks you the exact locations of pains and says pain hona chahiye nahi toh weight loss kaise hoga and all you feel like doing is punching him.

Okay so I am not a gym freak...neither am I a lazy log....I am one of those moderately active people who can enjoy a good diet and works out regularly at home....

So I quit the gym long back and still losing weight in my own way.  Some get used to the pain and discipline themselves. Addiction to the gym is unexplainable. You gradually lose weight and get inspired with all the compliments you get. Some even follow your diet and start joining your gym. All this happened with my mom not me * evil grin*. So I dedicate this post to my MOM!!!! Three cheers for my her!!!